I went to a conference with a co-worker (subordinate), we had drinks with the team, and she got really drunk (both married). I took a cab back to her hotel and escorted her up to her room.
The minute she got in the room she took her top off and invited me to come on the bed. I told her “you’re way too drunk,” and left.
It's been a week since she cried about it to me the next day. I know her husband and I'm afraid if my wife finds out she'd think something happened. What should I do?
Tell your wife, fast, before she hears it from this woman, her husband, or someone on the team who either guesses or whom she’s told.
People who drink excessively tend to have loose lips. People, who walk someone drunk to their hotel room, should stand outside while they enter, to be sure they’re safe, then turn away.
The fact she cried the next day is worrisome – whether from embarrassment at her own actions, feeling rejected by you, whatever. Any of those emotions could cause her to talk about the incident, to someone… office colleague, husband, emails, and calls to you.
I repeat: Tell your wife.
Be prepared for some outrage and don’t try to shift blame to “it was all (the woman’s) fault.”
People drinking with work subordinates need to remember that a conference is still a work environment, and “what happens in Vegas” (or wherever) can be turned into a movie… or at least good gossip.
My wife thinks there’s nothing wrong with emailing, calling, and texting her associate all weekend and every night after work. He’s single, has a lot of time on his hands, and is always suggesting they meet in person to talk about work or whatever, but I put my foot down on that.
She won’t accept that all these online and phone chats are still an intrusion on our time, even if I’m watching TV or reading.
On My Own
Tell her that, if a partner’s not okay with this level of intensity in her colleague relationship, then it's NOT okay.
However, since you’ve dropped a clue about you “watching TV or reading” – both normal activities – I wonder if it’s possible your wife is hungry for more attention.
Even long marriages need a boost of extra interest, a change in routine.
Surprise her with theatre tickets instead of always staying home, start a “date night” routine of going out for a movie, a meal, or just walking and talking after dinner.
But, if the constant chat with her colleague continues, tell her this: It’s an emotional affair and it’s diminishing your marriage. That calls for counselling together so you can both figure out what’s needed to improve your relationship.
My boyfriend’s either always on FB, or watching porn videos. I think he’s addicted to the idea of sex, since he doesn’t have much with me, and his “friends” on FB are ex’es he never actually sees anymore. But he might as well, as I’m left to fend for myself while he’s pre-occupied!
His excess porn-watching’s keeping him distant from you sexually, while his need for the ongoing attention of ex-girlfriends also distances him from you emotionally.
So, just what kind of boyfriend material is he? Sounds unsatisfying on the important fronts of intimacy and showing love.
Think about why you’re still with him, when you’re left mostly on your own.
My ex-wife and I have joint custody. She’s a good mother, so I trust her good judgment about our kids. We talk daily about one daughter, age “12-going-on-20.”
I’ve been seriously dating someone for eight months. She’s jealous of this time I spend with, or talking to my ex. Her son’s six. She doesn’t talk to his father. She doesn’t buy into the need my ex and I have to be close about our kids (we don’t want our other daughter, ten, copying her sister).
Include your girlfriend in your own thinking about your daughter (but don’t pit her ideas vs. those of your ex).
Help her see that this is how joint custody actually works, even if she’s happy having full control with her own son. Also, make sure this constant contact is situational, i.e. you and your ex aren’t in daily contact if there’s no ongoing crisis.
Tip of the day:
If an “incident” could harm your marriage, tell your partner before someone else does!