I’m 30, married with two children, and met a man on a plane whom I cannot forget.
I was travelling to meet my husband who was working out-of-town.
The man seated beside me was handsome, charming, funny… and also married. We talked and laughed throughout the flight.
He offered to share his taxi downtown and when he got out first at his hotel, he kissed me on the lips. I fantasized about him the entire time I was with my husband, which felt wrong, but kept me aroused, so I considered it a benefit.
Now I’m stuck with this “crush.” He lives in my same city and we know a few people in common. I’m obsessed with the possibility of seeing him again. What should I do?
Use the fantasy for what it’s worth, but drop the “obsession.” If you’re that drawn to another man, you need to put some clear thoughts into the state of your marriage.
If you don’t have the self-reflective trait or willingness to probe deeper into what’s missing in your current relationship, get to a therapist to help you do so.
Lots of people have passing “crushes” during their lifetime. They’re an interesting trigger to hyper-awareness of your own sexuality and can be a great counter to routine in your life.
But obsessions easily become unhealthy by contrast. You risk distancing from your partner, and taking foolish risks such as chasing after this man.
If he’d been equally drawn to you, he would’ve contacted you. And that, too, could be a mistake as it’d likely lead to a quickie one-time encounter. I say this because his parting mouth-kiss was the sign of a player, not a man who was struck by a thunderbolt and wants to connect and discuss with you what this means.
I'm 66, married to the same woman, off and on, for 40 years. She’s 63. We’re both retired and live on our combined pensions. If they were divided, one wouldn’t support each individual.
Health problems have rendered me impotent. She was aware of this when we re-connected after our last separation. I tried medications with little or no effect. She led me to believe that things were okay.
However, I recently discovered that she contacted, and is maintaining a physical relationship with, an old boyfriend. She uses visits with family as opportunities to meet him.
When confronted, she claimed she was starved for affection. Yet, when I’d attempted affection, she’d push me away.
We sleep apart, as I snore badly enough to need a device to sleep. She claims the noise keeps her awake. Also, she's not affectionate spontaneously with me and never invited me to share her bed.
She says she's finished with this guy, but I found some of their Facebook exchanges. I just can't get over the feeling of betrayal. What should I do?
Lonely and Betrayed
After 40 years you must talk openly or you’ll be living divided indefinitely. Tell her you know she’s still in contact with this man, and it hurts you terribly.
She’ll likely say that she didn’t want to hurt you by admitting she misses sex.
However, men who have erectile dysfunction can still give a partner sexual pleasure. Many couples who want to stay together make the best of it.
Otherwise, had she been honest, you might’ve stayed separated, or you might’ve considered a penile implant, or other options.
Talking openly will help you both decide what to do next.
My son who lives far away, recently posted, "If I could afford it, I’d send money for…” (all his family members and close friends, but not me).
I emailed him about being left out. He apologized. I asked him to re-post his message, including me, saying
that if the situation were reversed, I’d post the correction. So far, nothing.
His mother and I divorced several years ago. All my kids have their mother in their photos repeatedly but none of me.
Left Out Dad
They may be angry, thoughtless, or just not seeing you enough.
However, if this is a not-so-subtle signal that your children are still having emotional reactions to your divorce, take the time and contact them privately about this (not on Facebook!).
Let them vent their feelings. Then say that you love them, that the divorce was between their mother and you, not about them. Even adult kids need to hear this.
Tip of the day:
A crush elsewhere can be a turn-on at home, but an obsession can be dangerous for everyone.