My family, mostly my sister, but sometimes my parents too, have called me thoughtless, inconsiderate, and selfish for as long as I can remember.

I’m often chastised for not thinking ahead. They don't give me much encouragement. I’ve had depression and self-esteem issues for years.

I know I’m absent-minded - I forget to return things - and I'm cheap.

I’ve tried to counteract my flaws with higher education, self-help books, therapy, exercise, yoga, generosity, but I continue to hear about my mistakes.

It makes me not want to interact socially with my family and avoid getting close to others.

I do have people in my life who accept me the way I am. I want my family's respect and encouragement, but it’s hopeless - my parents are old, my sister has her own issues.

Do I give up and move on? It’d break my heart because I love them and respect them, but I feel like it's a matter of survival.

Grey Sheep

It’s time for survival - in the form of emotional well being - to be your priority. You’ve put up with your family’s negative assessments long enough.

Frankly, it’s very generous of you to talk of love and respect for parents who’ve consistently discouraged you. And allowed your sister’s sibling rivalry to almost destroy your self-confidence.

Take a mental health break from family (as long as needed) and spend time with accepting, supportive people.

Stop defining yourself with the old labels. You can change most habits that don’t work socially, by not buying into them as lifelong “flaws.”

My mother-in-law remarried several years ago, to a man who never had (or wanted) his own children.

I couldn't be happier that he treats my kids like he really is their grandfather, as my father-in-law passed away.
Recently, though, he's trying to make decisions, like what my girls should wear, who they can date when they're old enough, what age is old enough, which schools they should go to, what sports they should play, what hobbies should be important, where they should live as adults, etc.
Also, my family and my husband's family are all of Irish descent, but this man’s trying to force his Scottish traditions onto my kids.

While I'm fascinated with Scottish traditional culture and history, my kids haven't any Scottish blood.

I feel that having a tartan of a family that my son has no connection to, other than through marriage, is an unnecessary expense.

I believe it shows disrespect for my late father-in-law, and my husband's family name.
I'm not very assertive but these things are really upsetting me, and I believe some things also upset my husband. How do I tactfully handle this?

No Tartan Here

You had me until you got to the tartan, as if including a colourful aspect of another tradition into children’s lives could negate the influences of their own parents.

Let’s start with this “step-grandfather” being a part of the family. Your husband (as step-son) should say, kindly, that his interest in the kids is appreciated, but not any dictates as to how you two raise your children.

When he gets on a roll, change the subject. Repeat the message till he gets it.

As for sharing some Scottish lore, the link between Irish and Scots goes back a long time to common Gaelic roots.

Wearing a (not expensive) tartan scarf, for example, is hardly an insult to the children’s Irish heritage unless your family’s particularly fixated on this divide.

FEEDBACK Regarding the girl, 16, worried about not having a boyfriend (May 9):

Reader – “I felt the same and I'm sure there are more girls with these feelings than you'd imagine!

“As a teen, I was smart, cute, but not beautiful, worked hard at school and a part-time job, and was on the shy side.

“My older sister was always considered very attractive and I was basically invisible. I just didn't have that charisma that draws boys.

“I wasn't happy about it but also didn't despair… I just figured I would never have a boyfriend!
“Then, I met him when I was 17. He was so funny, nice, smart, and normal, and we fell in love.

“We stayed in love and are happily married now almost 30 years! He was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend (I couldn't believe that, but it was true!).”
Ellie – Thanks for sharing your happy experience.