My husband and I, both 38, had very active dating lives before we married three years ago. We both had long relationships and also short flings, we both enjoyed sex, and also having experienced a variety of partners.
We love each other dearly, get along great, and are both faithful. We’re trying to stay that way in this new part of our lives.
But I wonder if we have a good chance at long-term fidelity, given our backgrounds? Will we get bored with just having sex with each other over years and years? If we each have occasional lapses, will it matter that much to us, knowing our past, or will it destroy our trust and then our entire marriage?
Musing with Cause
Most partners don’t consider that if the other cheats, it’s just a “lapse.” In your case, one could easily believe it’s the start of a very slippery (and familiar) slope downhill from your marital goal.
So, either you two discuss a very clear understanding that lapses might happen more easily because of your sexually active backgrounds, or one of you will feel betrayed if the other crosses that line.
Your success rate depends on why each of you was so “active.” If it was for needing frequent and varied confirmation of being sexy and desired, that could be a problem.
If it was because you were young and seeking and are now mature and certain that you have The One, you’ll be fine.
The fact that you’re “musing” about all this suggests you need to talk about it together, and find ways to keep your marriage committed.
My boyfriend of two years is an attractive man with many female friends/acquaintances. After not speaking with one woman acquaintance for three years, she contacted him out of the blue. They met up for drinks a couple of times at bars and dance clubs and she’s invited him to outings such as the movies.
I told him it made me uncomfortable that he was going out for drinks with her and her girlfriends. We’ve been in counseling – the counselor said that drinks and outings with this "acquaintance" were comparable to him dating her. Her bottom line is that if he goes for drinks with her, I should be invited, too.
I'm uncomfortable about her because I haven’t met her and she text messages him late into the night (we learned that she’s recently separated from her husband).
My boyfriend and I agreed that I should meet her before he has any more social outings with her. They haven’t met in two months. However, she recently invited him out, and he accepted.
I asked if I could go and he refused, stating he has the right to hang out with his friends. I said I'm upset because he’s gone back on his agreement with me. Is it time for me to leave my boyfriend who wants to do whatever he wants without consequences or consideration of my feelings?
You got it! It IS time you relied on your own strong feelings, given that this situation has already been discussed and agreed upon.
You were already seeing a counselor for some reasons. He gave lip service to agreeing with the decision, and then childishly refused to stick with it.
Tell him he can have all the “rights” he wants, but he can’t have you, plus see pop-up female “acquaintances” privately. He’s still operating as a single guy, and that means he’s not boyfriend material.
I’ve been stressed with school, friends, and life. I’ve always been worried about what people think, and scared of being judged.
If the slightest thing goes wrong, I don’t know what to do. The stress causes me to get acne, which stresses me out more. What should I do about my stress, and how can I stop worrying about what people think and stop being scared of judgment?
Good for you for reaching out for advice. You DO have good instincts to take care of yourself and prevent some stress.
You need a connection to some ongoing help, and a good place to start is Kids Help Phone (Canada), at 1-800-668-6868 - a toll-free, 24-7 helpline for young people and teenagers. Or log into Kids Help Line International for other country’s resources. The connections are confidential, and experienced listeners will respond and/or refer you to appropriate help for your problems.
Tip of the day:
A long successful marriage takes strong commitment and clear understandings.