We’ve been together three years, and married less than two weeks ago. I'm not insecure or jealous, so when my husband suggested we go to a strip club and I wasn't in the mood, I suggested he go anyways.
The next day, he guiltily confessed that he paid for private dances with our wedding gift money, was hitting on the girls, repeatedly kissed one stripper's shoulder, and shared passionate kisses with another.
I feel the shoulder kisses alone are of an intimate and sensual nature, and passionate kissing more intimate than sex.
He’s sincerely sorry and doesn't want to lose me, but I can't decide if I'm willing to work this out or should leave and divorce him.
Maybe this situation calls for forgiveness. Yet he was so willing to throw away our wedding vows, just a week after making them.
How can I ever be able to trust him again?
Had this happened years into our marriage, and starting a family, I’d be 100% willing and open to forgiving and reconciliation. This was two days after returning from our honeymoon. I worry that, had he been given the opportunity to go further, he would have.
I fear that if I forgive him, he’ll one day do it all again, maybe carrying on a long-term affair, destroying me again, and destroying the kids we’d have together.
It’s a bad sign of recklessness in the wrong situation, so it’s natural to fear he can cave again… whether with strippers, or someone who comes onto him.
But the big question is about the present, not the future. After years together, why a strip club and losing control right after marrying?
Get marital counselling together, and he should have sessions on his own as well. Something triggered this behaviour, and you both need to know what. As you go through the process, you’ll know far better whether you can work this out, and still want to do so.
I recently hosted a baby shower at my home for family. My sister, who has a history of drinking, consumed four drinks within two hours and appeared to be over the limit.
I refused to allow her to drive home based on my responsibility as hostess should she have an accident. My brother and her adult children became involved, too.
After talking to her, my brother allowed her to drive home with him in the passenger seat. I didn’t know this until after they left; I assumed he drove.
I’ve been made out to be the bad person for embarrassing her. What, if anything, should I have done differently?
For your own comfort, know that she embarrassed herself, and you acted responsibly.
However, the family has clearly enabled her drinking problem for some time. Knowing this, you might have discussed ahead with your brother, or someone more responsible, to monitor her drinks, and have it understood ahead that she’d not drive home.
But now that the “problem” is out in the open, use this opportunity to talk to the family. It’ll help them listen if you do apologize for not having made some arrangement beforehand when you all know Sis drinks to excess.
Say you want to help her, not upset her. And you hope the others feel the same way. Suggest several of you go to Al-Anon to learn how others handle an alcoholic relative and hope you can all encourage your sister to confront/control her problem and join an Alcoholics Anonymous’ or other addiction support group.
FEEDBACK Regarding the bride whose older sister doesn’t respect her decisions and skipped her wedding (Oct. 5):
Reader – “Family is important, but not at any cost to your integrity (self esteem, confidence, etc.). Theirs is the definition of an unhealthy relationship. It doesn’t sound like she’s able to have a healthy one with her sister.
“The writer’s husband and mother need to accept this and stay out of it, or risk their own relationships with her. She needs to do what’s right for her and be supported in that. The sisters’ relationship is “toxic.”
Ellie – Weddings are emotional for families with a history of divorce, stepfamily, etc. The bride asked her stepsister to be maid of honour. Her right to do so, but led to drama.
They both contributed to it.
I believe weddings can signal a new beginning, and that family harmony is worth a try, at least once.
Tip of the day:
When a newlywed strays, the reason is likely more important than the behaviour.