I'm in my 20’s, and in my new profession as a lawyer. I love the work, but its demands take a toll on my personal relationships. 

I’ve met great women, but have been repeatedly told that I currently cannot give them the time commitment they want.

My recent girlfriend said she considered herself a mistress, as we only see each other for a few hours during the evenings, if at all.

I don’t want this to keep happening, but I also don’t want to give up my career. I cannot find that “work/life balance.”

Am I doomed to short-term relationships?

- Love limbo

There’s a difference between loving the law versus being manacled to the legal profession. Take a hard look at which master you’re serving. 

If you’re climbing the ladder of a legal firm, which values a workaholic, with a big income as your prize, you’ve already chosen job over relationships. But if your goal is helping clients within reasonable time limits, you need to construct a practice that allows for regular “off” hours and days.

No one “finds” their work/life balance… they CREATE it. If you want a long-term relationship, you need to 1) seek a partner who’s understanding about unavoidable pressures; and 2) make sure you make time for her whenever you can.

My current partner is a widower who had been a loving husband, and remained alone for three years after his wife’s death. 

We agreed to share all our expenses, remain in our own homes, not marry (inheritance issues), but to be equal partners in a lasting, exclusive relationship. I fell in love and told him so often; he said he cared deeply for me and to be patient about his not saying “love.” We’ve had an amazing two-year relationship - travelled the world, entertained, shared future plans etc.

However, I feel the weight of his silence about (not) loving me. I have no libido left for him; before, believing myself to be loved made everything in sex was possible for me. But not being loved makes it agonizing.

I’ve offered to pay for therapy but he’s refused.

Do I return to a solitary life or resign myself to being not good enough for him to love?

- Bereft

It’s hard to compete with a ghost, but he’s unwittingly set you up against one. His late wife held his love, and he likely feels disloyal transferring that emotion. Yet he’s he has shared all that he can. 

It’d be a shame to leave an “amazing relationship” with this man IF you can be content with the lifestyle and feel secure in his intentions to stay together, despite his difficulty with the “L” word.

I suggest you go to counselling yourself to explore why his reticence is more important than the reality of his presence. Perhaps some mistrust and insecurity from the past is causing your anxiety, unnecessarily.

My sister-in-law told her close friend that she’s pregnant (seven weeks) with her first baby but hasn’t told my husband (her husband’s brother). I’ve heard this through that friend’s sister and feel insulted on my husband’s behalf.

- Left Out

So quick to judgment! The mom-to-be may be holding back from the family until 12 weeks, when there’s more certainty that the pregnancy is secure, to save the family from getting too excited. Her close friend is the one at fault for blabbing. 

Be generous with your congrats when you’re told the news…anything less than enthusiasm will look bad on you.

I’m finding it difficult to understand why my boyfriend is constantly interested in his ex’s activities and whom she’s seeing. Is this normal?

- Questioning

There’s too little information here about him, for too large a concern from you. Let me explain: If his ex dumped him, or if you started going together before he was over her, or if he’s “normally” a jealous guy, these are all reasons why he might be staying connected to her emotionally, and/or obsessing on her. That’s what I’m able to deduce about him, from the small bit of evidence you’ve given me. 

But your question sends me more clues about YOU, and how you’re feeling about this situation.

My conclusion: If any or all of the above possibilities are true, you should value yourself more, and leave the relationship…. until this man says he wants to try again and focus on being connected to you.