I have a great job in my field, my own home, an amazing guy who’s loved me for six years, wants to marry me and have a bunch of kids. And I haven’t even graduated from university yet.
Unfortunately, this is not what I want, nor ever wanted.
I’m still assuming that I’ll never want children. Marriage still appears an archaic, expensive tradition vs. the willingness to stay together forever, monogamously or not.
My guy isn’t on that same boat. We’ve openly discussed this for six years, and concluded that neither of us are ready. I’ve never thought he’d change his mind.
He still thinks that someday I’ll change mine.
For me, our relationship’s perfect, but I feel I’m holding him back from living the life he wants, though I truly love him.
My vision of a fulfilling life is advancement in my career, helping the city and nation I love, with a nice group of close friends for family.
Someone has to give up their dreams if we’re going to stay together "forever," and I don't think I can do that without feeling resentment towards him. I also think he’d eventually feel the same by giving in.
End it or Wait it Out?
You’ve worked hard to be in this happy state through your education, and good relationship.
So I’m surprised that someone so capable, with a loving partner, can’t see more progressive solutions than a break-up or giving in.
Today’s determined career women can advance while in long-term committed relationships. The partner more interested in children naturally manages more of the parenting.
Time has an impact on some women’s attitudes, when their achievements are secure and biology affects their views.
Neither I, nor you, can predict accurately how you’ll feel ten years from now. But you and your guy are currently happily matched.
Live in the present and you’ll know in time, which change, if any, is necessary.
My niece, 19, who’s a college student, gave birth to a baby. She and her 17-year old boyfriend (high school) chose adoption from the beginning. They met with the new family, did the paperwork, and made open adoption choices.
Days later, my niece changed her mind. She hasn't told her boyfriend that she’s keeping the child. She says he’ll be upset, but in time he’ll accept the baby because he loves her so much.
I know him well enough and think he’ll be a wreck.
Should my niece's family encourage her to tell her boyfriend before he arrives at the hospital expecting that they’ll be placing the baby in the adoptive parents' arms?
I feel I’m being deceptive to him.
You have a good heart to care about his reaction during this emotional time, but it’s not your place to intervene. You don’t want your niece and her parents to feel you’ve swayed him one way or the other.
They may both still be “kids” in everyone’s eyes, but they’ve produced a baby, and all three lives are affected plus the would-be adoptive parents’ future.
Your niece is in a hormonal surge having just given birth. Her doctor, parents, adoption social worker, and her boyfriend should understand that this is natural, and help her take more time to settle her thoughts on all sides of this decision.
Without pressure, she needs guidance to consider the responsibilities and finances of raising the child, maybe on her own, and above all, what’s in the best interests of the child.
My daughter’s divorcing her husband of 13 years. She won’t go to counselling, nor discuss it with us though we’ve been very involved in her adolescent children’s lives due to her job (frequent travel).
The couple fight constantly and openly. Their kids haven’t been told, but often appear sad. They’ll have to live between two new places when their house is sold. Is there anyway we can help bring sanity into this situation?
The divorce decision is between man and wife, but your daughter’s relied on your help with the children so you’re entitled to an opinion regarding them.
They need counselling to handle living with open discord and the “secret” divorce agenda which they’re already anticipating.
It’s extremely unsettling and likely to create a difficult backlash from both when they have to move. Everyone will suffer when they act out through school, their social behaviour, and with each of their parents. Tell her.
Tip of the day:
Over-analyzing how a relationship might change in future ignores the possibility of natural solutions.