Looking for Love, Part Two. Following are more leftover questions from my live chat on this topic (July 23):

I date a lot. Friends and colleagues often set me up with new people. I’ve been successful with online dating by being very choosy. So I have a lot of great dates with people who are interesting, or fun, or both.

I’ve been divorced for eight years and have enough independence to do as I please, and enough dates to feel attractive and desired.

Though I’d love to eventually find a soul mate, I’m not desperately looking for love, and it’s a healthy way to date.

Love may come, but meanwhile, good company, friendship, and enough intimacy to feel sexy are all I need.

Happy Dater

You’re wisely enjoying your life in the moment, rather than obsessing about finding a mate someday and getting frustrated in the process.

Too many people see dating as an endgame, in which they must score their goal of finding a partner as fast as possible.

It creates tension and insecurity in their lives and often causes a rush into relationships, which inevitably disappoint them.

Dating’s a process of learning, while also having companionship, recreation, and entertainment. Going to dinner, a movie, or even for a walk with a person gives you a window into another person’s view of life, his or her background, and experiences.

It widens your own horizons if you have the self-confidence to listen and learn without focusing on whether this person is The One and how he/she is reacting to you.

Sometimes you can look for love and not realize it’s right there before you. I was friendly with a man whom I considered a buddy. I told him about my dates, he told me about his. Sometimes I wept on his shoulder because I’d been dumped, or I knew the guy I was hot for had no interest in me.

My friend always had an encouraging word about how I was smart and pretty and “better than those guys” who didn’t want me. One day he added, “…unlike me, because I love you.”

My heart flipped over. We’ve been married for seven years and it gets better every day. Love looked at me, and I finally opened my eyes and saw it.

Eyes Wide Open

Friendship often becomes the most solid basis for love.

Unfortunately, many “buddies” don’t speak up about having “feelings,” from fear of losing the friendship.

It’s a false fear because, even if the other person doesn’t feel the same, a true friend usually won’t just turn away. And there’s the possibility he/she will look closer and realize they’ve been unnecessarily closed off to the person they care about the most.

I lost my virginity last year to a longtime friend. I really care about him and sometimes I feel that from him.

I've asked him about a relationship but he says he's not ready. But he's adamant that I remain loyal to him and acts jealous.

I think he's sleeping with other women. But I'm so drawn to him that I feel helpless. How can I get out of this situation without losing him completely?
Feeling Helpless

Use your brain to protect your heart and body. He’s a controller, eroding your self-esteem, and not caring about your physical health either (check for sexually transmitted infections).

Straighten your spine and walk away. If there’s real friendship there, he’ll show it.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman’s two recent bridesmaids who’ve now distanced from her (July 21):

Reader – “Here’s yet another person who wants to know how to get her two friends to talk to her again.

“The best way for her to do this, as she has already reached out and been rebuffed by them, is to look after herself and show herself some self respect. She deserves better than these two women.

“She needs to respect that whatever happened, her “friends” aren’t able to talk to her about it, and resolve it more appropriately.

“By continuing to reach out, she just appears as needy. If she can't move past it on her own she should seek professional help.”
Learned the hard way

Ellie – Good point. If two women, who were in her wedding party, couldn’t look her in the eye and say why they’ve become distant, they’re neither mature nor decent friends. They’ve hunkered together like schoolgirls to avoid her.