A former addict’s response about how to help a young drug-addicted woman and her boyfriend (January 13):

Reader – “I’m 33, a female professional with a Masters degree, and was a good kid growing up, though I had some anxiety issues.

“I’m now an alcoholic who’s been in recovery for three years.

“My parents, based on love and fear, were my biggest enablers.

“In my active addiction, I’d lie, manipulate their emotions and fears, and coerce emotional and financial support from them.

“I felt horrible and guilty, but addiction is too powerful to overcome alone or - in my opinion – while within the family environment.

“New boundaries in the relationship between my parents and me had to be established for all of us to get well.

“If I was going to end up on the street, or with no food to eat, so be it. They took a firm stance, which was incredibly painful for them, but they did it for their health and mine.

“My own declining physical health, my finances in a disaster, and the threat of losing my job (my employer discovered my problem and encouraged me to get help) are what finally pushed me to get treatment.

“It was still a rocky road from there. The genuine desire to quit came a few months later, after a failed attempt at rehab.

“I bottomed out and realized that this addiction was going to kill me and probably soon.

“I ended up in a recovery home for eight months, and in a 12-step program which still helps me today.

“In getting to know other alcoholics/addicts in recovery, I've learned there are all sorts of combinations of what "works."

“But the basic commonality is that we drink or use to change how we feel. We regularly abuse, or become physically dependent on our substance(s) of choice, and we need to detox from the substance and do the work to change our thought patterns and coping mechanisms.

“It all depends on the individual, but medically supervised detox, treatment, aftercare, and 12-step or other mutual support groups, are all tools people use to get and stay clean.

“Many also seek psychiatric help where there’s an underlying undiagnosed or untreated mental health issue.

“The woman’s parents (who’ve let the two addicts live with them) must learn what local options are available for treatment and what boundaries they need to ensure their own health and safety.

“They’d benefit from the help of a family addictions counsellor, and checking out Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.

“I suspect they’d be advised that the boyfriend needs to get help on his own. If she goes with him, that’ll be difficult.

“Currently, they’re partners in their addiction and can’t see how triggering they are for each other.

“In order to maintain a long term, healthy relationship, they’d both need to seek out their own path to recovery.

“Each needs their own personal boundary. They can’t  be around each other if one is still in active addiction or dry, rather than working on recovery.

“Also, there should be the boundary that if the young woman isn't actively seeking help and working on recovery, she can't live in the family home.

“The boundaries my parents set, as we all began to realize how sick I truly was, was the greatest gift they’ve ever given me. Now I’m able to have a healthy adult relationship with them that’s full of love and gratitude.”

My boyfriend of one year and I have been inseparable. Neither of us has much money (he’s in school and working part-time; I don't get many hours at my job) but we get by and usually have a bit extra for going out on weekends.

At Christmas I got him an expensive e-cigarette, a $40 book, and some undershirts. I budgeted ahead, wanting to show him how much I care for him.

He gave me two scarves in a grocery bag and I pretended to be happy.

I feel under-appreciated. Our relationship is serious. Are my feelings of anger and sadness justified? I want to discuss it but feel it’ll backfire.

Ungrateful?

Since the relationship’s “serious” his gift didn’t reflect less caring. He’s busier (school and job) so less organized about gifts.

Lead by example. Small shows of appreciation and love – even just a flower on the table – create a learning curve. Complaining would be a mistake.