I’m 20, my boyfriend of 19 months ended things, five months ago.

We had our own apartment, afforded on my financial aid as a junior college student athlete. He didn't work. He stayed inside playing video games, smoking weed, sending photos, and chatting with other females.

I lost all trust and began accusing him. I later found him on a site telling girls to come to our apartment for sex. Yet I clung to him because of my past.

My parents split when I was seven. My two younger brothers and me went with my mom from boyfriend to boyfriend who’d put hands on us.

When I was in eighth grade she lost us because of abuse and neglect. Our older sister got custody of us. She beat us, over three years as her personal slaves.

My dad finally got custody. That first summer, he was violent with me until my grandma walked in and he left.

I lived in the bed of a truck while going to summer conditioning for sports. I moved in with a friend on the same team but felt unwanted in her home.

After graduating, I moved back with my mom, met my ex-boyfriend, and we got into our apartment together.

We fell behind on rent and got evicted. I parted, planning to both get work and live together again.

But we grew apart. I began drinking uncontrollably, smoking cigarettes, not eating.

I hooked up with guys I met online. I finally stopped all that, got a really great job, and my first car.

I then met a guy online who’s in prison for an armed home invasion and has over a year to go.

He's 24, and says he badly wants to settle down. I’ve never met him in person.

Then my ex texted that he misses me. We’ve seen each other four times since.

I see a positive change in him. His family all loves me and makes it so easy to feel like family. He’s been working, planning for his future and wants to be back in a place together and help support our lifestyle. He’s 21.

I’ve told him I love him.

But I can also see myself settling with my other boyfriend when he gets out of jail, but there’s always the chance he could go back to what he’s used to.

Sometimes I just want to drop them all and find someone one day and hit it off, and just worry about the future and my career.

So Confused

After such a tough, abusive, and violent childhood, your achievements in sports, school, and work reveal remarkable inner strengths and courage.

Now is your chance to grow and solidify your future, as well as your self-esteem. Do not base choices on the old insecurities from your past.

The fact that you can love and be loved is a healthy part of your character. But at 20, there’s time to learn what kind of decent friends, potential partners, and supportive families are out there, rather than people who rely on your strength.

You don’t know the guy in prison. Be kind, but tell him you need to grow more on your own.

Your ex requires more than plans. He’s still young, and needs more solid skills and education to secure a chance at better than he’s known, and also be motivated to persist.

Your last paragraph reflects awareness of your own great potential. Find the lifestyle you want, and then someone to share it.

FEEDBACK Regarding the man, 28, who says that he’s not financially and emotionally ready to marry his girlfriend of five years (March 18):

Reader – “You should be scared of losing her.
“She's invested five years of her life with you and deserves to know whether it’ll move forward in marriage.
“Stating that you’re not emotionally or financially ready are cover-up reasons for taking advantage of a girl. Not emotionally ready? Let her marry someone ready to commit. Finances do not stop a man from marrying the woman he loves. Go to city hall and sign the legal documents.
“Five years is a long time to date without knowing when you’ll marry. Most women and men don't consider dating years on end to be a successful relationship.”

Ellie – Ultimatums don’t always work, but since he owns his own business, and wants to marry her eventually, I agree he needs to know he might lose her.