I recently overheard my future wife telling her friend about being unfaithful to me.
When confronted, she said that she couldn’t talk right now.
Also, she recently told some people that I hit her, but it’s untrue. I’m not sure why she’s been acting like this lately.
She did just find out that her mother has breast cancer, so that might play a role in her behaviour.
We always find time to make love, so I don’t know why she’d seek it from someone else.
I love her so much, and I don’t know that I could go on without her.
Tearing Me Apart
She’s creating dramas, perhaps to offset the one that scares her most – her mother’s breast cancer.
But it’s unfair to turn those dramas against you.
She may’ve cheated, or she may’ve invented that story, just as she did about you hitting her.
Confront her pain. Tell her you know she’s worried about her mom, and you want to be there for her. But you can’t do this if she pushes you away.
And that’s what she’s doing, through her stories, which are hurting both your reputations.
I proposed to my girlfriend four years ago.
I met her in first-year university, at 18 (she was 19). We took as many classes together as possible.
But I didn't do as well, as I was always focused more on her than school.
Early on, she broke me mentally and emotionally. She had a lot of male friends.
She used to mention her attraction to my friends and cousins. My self-esteem went out the door.
We've had many arguments and fights over the years. My trust in her has always been diminished.
I spend pretty much all my free time with her. I let go of most of my friends.
Her dad spoils her and she has little independence, relying heavily on his money.
I’m not the person I want to be since being with her. I've spent so much time partying and drinking heavily. I ask myself, Is drinking the only way to tolerate her?
She's also my first love, while she’s had many previous serious relationships.
We were supposed to book the wedding venue this week but I said how I'm feeling. She said I had to make a decision right then.
I feel trapped. My family’s become very close with hers, and I really love her family.
I feel that if I walk away from this, my parents will hate me.
We've already told people the date. She’s chosen some bridesmaids.
Also, she wants everything her way and at a certain standard. I just want a basic intimate wedding in a simple setting.
I’m the only one working full-time and I’m very money-wise.
At 23, I haven't been feeling well, going through tests, and fear I may not have a lot of time.
I know I love her and care about her, but I don't feel like my love for her can last.
You’re at a crossroads, terrified, and needing to take a break from the pressure.
Say so - to her, your parents, her family, anyone else that matters.
Focus on your health and pursue whatever treatment’s needed. Your parents will be supportive.
Your fiancée will be hurt and angry at the “postponement,” but perhaps less so if you say that you’ll get counselling.
Do go, on your own. You’ll learn whether you’re just not ready for marriage to anyone, or you need to move on from her.
FEEDBACK We’re the “Annoyed Hosts” whose friend and her partner were living with us and taking advantage financially and every other way (April 13):
Reader – “After reading your advice, I’m pleased to report that they finally moved out – two weeks after I read your column.
“It sure helped to actually read it in print and your advice was exactly what I needed to give them the boot.
“I haven't, and don't, expect to hear from them again. The old saying is so true – "You don't know people until you live with them.”
“We were fortunate that there were no legal problems. We have learned a huge lesson – the hard way.
“There will be no more roommates in our house! Thank you!”
Ellie – When people exploit your generous nature – especially in your own home – there’s no longer a risk of losing the “friendship” by ending their freeloading. The connection’s already broken.
Tip of the day:
When a partner’s dramas are turned against you, state what’s at stake.