I’ve been separated for over a year, and my divorce will be finalized imminently. I was seeing someone awhile, but it wasn’t serious. I wanted time to recover from the emotional trauma that my ex-husband had put me through.
Then, when I felt healed, I met a wonderful man. I got to know him before it got serious, and we've now been dating for over a month. Meanwhile, his job situation changed, and he’s less available than before. He often cancels our plans, and has been less in touch recently.
I understand that he’s busy and going through a lot, but it also feels like I'm not as important to him as I should be. He claims I am, but actions are missing.
The pre-divorce me would’ve had the patience to make this work. But post-divorce me spent five years trying to be important to my husband and failed miserably. I'm scared I'm headed down the same path of giving time and love to somebody who can't reciprocate.
He’s worth it. How can I handle my disappointment?
Two things are wrong with this picture: 1) One month of dating is not “serious” time, even if you’re sleeping together. You felt healed and probably exhilarated by it, and started rushing things in your own mind.
2) The pattern’s too familiar to that of your ex. People who are excited about each other (especially at the early stage) don’t just withdraw over a new job.
They give good reasons why they have to cancel, find time even late after work to see you, and keep contact during the day. He’s pulled back, perhaps because you rushed into a relationship.
Back off. Get busy too. Not to play games, but to show that you’re not so needy and insecure to already be depending on him and expecting constant attention.
Since you’re already wondering if this is taking you down an old unhappy path, then there’s real danger that it is.
Either you have to become comfortable with more independence, or he’s the wrong guy for you, again, and counselling would benefit you.
My husband told me eight months ago that he needed space, then moved out. He’d call me to talk, but never said what his plans were and whether he was coming back to me.
Our three kids are still in middle- and high school, and I needed more money to buy their school things, sports equipment, and run the house, but he insisted he was still taking care of all our finances. He’d always controlled our budget, even though I also worked and brought income to our marriage.
Now he’s told me (on the phone) that he’s never coming back. He swears he’s not seeing someone but I’ve never been allowed to visit and look for any signs of someone else there.
I don’t know what to do. He says he’ll let me know my budget since we now have to split some of our stuff.
I feel like I’ve been kicked out of my own life. He sees the children here, not at his place, so when he comes over I can never ask questions that’ll disturb them.
Lost At Home
Get legal advice immediately, on your own. He’s called all the shots so far. Now you must get pro-active to protect yourself with regard to your rights to where and how you live, child support, and whatever else is fair under the divorce laws in your jurisdiction.
I’ve known this guy from our first grades, then we attended different schools for middle grades. We met again on our final year in high school.
I’ve always had a crush on him but acted tough and bossy when he approached me. In the end, I gave in and gave him my phone numbers.
We’ve been in touch ever since then! However, I can't seem to get myself to tell him how I honestly feel about him.
I'm falling in love with him.
How do I tell him I want more than friendship?
While you’re ready to talk about love, he may not be. Also, with frequent contact now, he could’ve shown whether he wanted more than friendship, but apparently hasn’t.
So talk about his and your future school and career plans. Mention that you hope you’ll stay close even if one of you moves away. If he’s interested in more, he’ll pick up the hint.
Tip of the day:
Post-divorce healing includes learning to avoid old patterns in your next choice of mate.