I’m a single, attractive, smart, funny, witty male. I’m kind, loving, and generous.
I’ve had long-term relationships but never felt the desire to live with anyone or to get married.
Now, I’d like to find someone to share our lives.
I recently met a woman on Tinder. We instantly hit it off.
We had a few early and very stupid fights, but after our third fight, everything was perfect.
A month into dating we booked a trip to Cuba for two weeks (her idea.)
She introduced me to her son, her mother, and her best friend. She met my family way after, but never met my friends.
The chemistry, the connection, and the sex - everything was great.
Lunch with her son one day was also a great time.
That night she was texting me, saying she wishes I was there, she’s thinking of me, etc. I never saw her again.
She was suddenly ignoring me, later saying she feels like something’s missing, and she doesn’t know what.
A few weeks later, I again ask what happened.
Her response: She felt we wanted separate things, she indicated I wanted to settle down right away and she wanted to move slowly (both untrue).
When she realized this wasn’t a relationship she saw being long-term, she ended things!
How can someone spend four months telling you how happy she is, then not see it being long-term?
Is something wrong with me? I don’t know what I did.
I’ll admit I’m guessing, but the fact this happened after lunch with her and her son together, may be a clue.
Example: He didn’t take to you for some reason, or she thought you didn’t know how to relate to children, or she realized that once she brings him into the picture, she better be certain this will last.
You might consider asking her straight out if she felt you have a lot to learn about relating full-time to her son (you need to decide your own answer to that same question).
Meanwhile, nothing’s “the matter” with you. She may be scared, she may be worried about her son, or she may be someone who “tests” potential mates in this intense here-today-gone-tomorrow way.
I recently started a long-distance relationship with a man I met in Costa Rica. I've visited him again once; we're now doing the paperwork needed for him to visit me for several months.
We've declared ourselves exclusive, and fairly serious.
Today, while video chatting, he said he wants to have children. I'm 28, and he's 36.
I said I’ve been dead set against having children my entire life.
He said he loves me, and wants to be with me even if I don't want children.
But I don't want him to later regret spending time with me when he could’ve been raising a family.
Is there a compromise? Should I let him go?
There’s not much “compromise” regarding raising children – you either want to devote a great part of your life to them, or not.
He knows he wants them. He also wants you, but you’re correct that he may later resent you for blocking his desire for fatherhood.
Or, he’ll just leave you.
In your case, your negativity towards kids reflect some past unhappiness as a child yourself…. or anxieties about the world to which you’d bring children.
Counselling, time, and his love can move you to change your mind.
OR not. Then, the divide will be a serious wedge between you two.
Let him visit this once. Then consider your options.
FEEDBACK Regarding the “Mortified” pregnant teacher who accidentally synced her phone calendar to the public-school calendar where she works, revealing very personal issues (Nov. 11):
Reader – “As a member of her teachers' federation, she has supports available through her local union office.
“She can also contact her employer's Employee Assistance Program to request free, confidential counselling about her feelings of shame and humiliation before she returns to work after maternity leave.
“She may also have access to additional counselling through any extended healthcare benefits.”
Ellie – Thanks for these very practical points.
It’s important for readers to know where they can get help within their own work field, and their jurisdiction.
I receive questions like hers from across North America, Great Britain, Australia, and more. For reasons of confidentiality, I avoid specific references to what’s available locally to those who write me.
Hopefully, most teachers do have some of the mentioned help avenues available to them.
Tip of the day:
Some people date intensely while scorekeeping throughout.