My two best friends no longer speak to each other. I’m upset and stressed out about it.
They used to live with me and two other girls during university, and we stayed close.
Two years ago, A and Z got into an argument about something somewhat silly, but very hurtful things were said, tempers flared, spouses got involved, and they ended contact with each other.
I wasn’t present when the fight happened, so only have their reports.
Now Z is getting married, and all the others in our group are involved in planning the bachelorette and wedding.
A is not involved and not invited to the wedding.
The rest of us are still friends with both women, so we feel uncomfortable and sad.
I think A might be receptive to speaking to Z again, but I'm not so sure about Z.
In The Middle
Don’t attempt getting them together until after the wedding, unless A indicates to you that she’s willing to approach Z.
If so, she should send a personal note – not an email whose tone can be misinterpreted - wishing her former friend a happy wedding.
It’s important that any attempt at reconciliation is not seen to just get invited along with the old gang.
Otherwise, after the wedding and honeymoon, you can speak to each of them – once only – about thinking that enough time has passed for trying to get past that old fight.
Be aware, though, that once spouses got involved, it became a more complex divide between the two. Keep reminding yourself, this is their issue, not yours.
For years, I've known my husband’s selfish and inconsiderate.
Others see him as jovial and fun – until someone crosses him or he perceives disrespect.
We've lost relationships and connections over his hot head.
Now I’m alone and isolated while he continues to forge new interests and make new friends.
I'm unwilling to join him, because I fear it’ll all blow up and I'll have to deal with yet another loss.
I've stuck by him, but no longer can. I'm at a crossroads of having to build a life separate from him.
I’d hoped my loyalty would result in greater self-confidence in him and a stronger marriage.
Instead, he continues to muscle his way through life leaving me in the dust.
How do I rebuild my life independent of him?
You need to gather information and support.
Counselling for yourself is crucial now, to give you the confidence to have the tough conversation with your husband about separating.
Given his “hot head,” you may need to be in a safe place with your plan intact, before you tell him what you’ve decided.
When certain of your timing to leave, talk to any close family, friends, or advisors who know enough about you to help you with choices ahead.
You’ll also need legal advice regarding the details and process of separation. Learn what are your rights and responsibilities in a break-up, and what are your husband’s, regarding financial issues and any regarding children.
If you work, look for avenues for new friendships and social activities related to your colleagues, or to your field in general.
If you move, look to the new community for pursuing health-related interests like fitness classes, and walking groups, plus sports, to keep your spirit and energy up during this change.
A new routine will fall into place if you stay open, friendly, and positive.
My friend’s been seeing this guy who does hard drugs (cocaine, ecstasy, speed, etc.) three-to-four times weekly.
She’s dealing with mental health issues herself, so has been wise enough to not experiment with drugs because of that.
They've only been dating for a few months. Their relationship is sometimes very good and they have a lot of fun together.
But when it’s bad, it’s very bad. Also, they’re constantly fighting about his drug use.
However, she has strong emotional feelings for him.
When is the right time to walk away from a relationship?
She should RUN, now.
A drug-obsessed partner can be very convincing and manipulative, and overwhelm someone who’s trying to maintain mental health.
She needs a reality check from whoever is treating her own condition, as it makes her vulnerable.
Tell her to talk to her doctor/therapist about this guy’s emotional hold on her, and how it can destroy her will to stay balanced and self-protective.
Tip of the day:
When close friends feud, stay neutral unless one or both ask for help re-connecting.