A year ago I noticed suspicious things going on with my wife of 16 years. I asked if she was cheating on me, and of course she denied it. She’s lied to me in the past about other things I know happened - not cheating, but relationship issues.
Her friend told her husband that my wife was out of control.
Every time I’d go out to do something, she’d leave the house or work late, or go shopping and come back without a bag.
Suddenly, everywhere she went in the house she’d take her cell phone.
I told her whom I think it is she’s seeing, but she continues to deny. I’ve chosen to stay with her since we have kids at home and I cherish our marriage.
I no longer trust her and whenever she leaves the house I get a bad feeling. It's driving me to leave.
- Suspicious
Make up your mind, and influence hers. If you’re determined to stay together, tell her that you both must deal openly with whatever’s going on, so you can work on your marriage and raise the kids together. BUT, make it clear that you won’t tolerate being treated like a fool.
If she persists in suspicious behaviour with no explanation, you’ll seek a lawyer’s advice. Remind her that divorce causes financial changes and child custody arrangements affecting everyone.
However, if you feel “driven” to leave, get to a lawyer even faster, to learn your rights. As a husband and parent, you mustn’t allow yourself to feel helpless.
Two years ago, at 50, I was single and childless, laid off work, depressed and lonely. Then, a French man, with whom I’d had a passionate six-month romance 20 years ago, called. Soon we were flying back and forth between France and Canada. We fell in love. He wants to marry me.
However, he’s from a rough, poor, broken home; I’m from a nice, middle class family. He’s a skilled worker who’s saved nothing; I own a home, have a challenging career and am attached to friends and family here.
I’m not sure I have the courage or strength to leave my life behind to start all over in a foreign country. His coming here would be difficult as he doesn’t speak English at all. I knew all this, but he was so sure and persistent and I was in such need, I couldn’t resist.
Now, I’m afraid to let him move here and I'm afraid to move there, but I'm also afraid of breaking both our hearts, and never being loved like this again.
- What to do?
Find courage or face regrets.
The “life” that you’re afraid to leave, wasn’t making you happy. Getting involved in the effort of moving there and re-settling, or helping him adjust here, would certainly engage all your energies, give you new purpose, and reward you with the companionship of someone you love who loves you. So long as you and he stay emotionally connected through the challenges ahead, and work on them together, this can be the great adventure of your life.
You’ve proven yourself in career, and you have some financial security behind you. Now go for the stuff that money can’t buy.
True friends and loving family should want to see you happy and fulfilled; with encouragement, they’ll flock for visits wherever you are, and act welcoming to this man.
The man I’m dating makes significantly more money than I do -I’m still in school and work part-time. We usually go out to extravagant places, and he always pays the bill. I feel like I should sometimes pay, too.
We’ve never talked about it and I've never offered because it feels awkward. How often should I offer? Knowing he’ll object, how do I respond to that?
- Uncertain
Forgot the expensive bills, and go for some meaningful ones - like buying movie tickets and taking him for coffee afterwards. Or invite him to a casual brunch, or dinner at your place. Offering to pay at pricey places is an empty gesture that’ll only be awkward for both of you.
But treating him at the level you can manage, says that you appreciate his generosity and understanding.
Also, let him know sometimes, that you’re equally content with a cozy, local diner, and his company.
Tip of the day:
When suspicions take over your ability to enjoy a relationship, it’s time to be pro-active about your next move, rather than wait for calamity.
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