Three years ago my husband of 11 years engaged in an affair that caused him job loss, and devastation to our family. I stood by him, trying to piece our marriage together. He continued to lie and see her. He maintained it was a friendship but I know it's not.

We've now been separated for a year, while he's tried to reel me in and delay formal proceeding, yet still lying and seeing her. But I've found more evidence of contact between them. I've said that, to begin a long process of reconciliation, he needs to call her in my presence to end things. He refuses.

He's in complete denial. We can have a big fight where I take a strong stand and he comes over acting like nothing happened. Do I just cut my losses at this point? We have two kids and I wish for our family to be reunited.

Confused and Scared

Unfortunately, he keeps providing more losses. His actions indicate that nothing will change... he wants the comforts of a family (without having to deal with the financial effects of separation) but also wants his lover.

You've said nothing about love, and true intimacy between you two, everything about lack of honesty, trust and responsibility for what happened.

Reconciliation would only be better for the children, if it were sincere. Instead, this sounds like a house divided, and ongoing deception... NOT a healthy atmosphere for the kids.

I'm married, late-30's, with a great husband and two youngsters. I started a new job and am increasingly attracted to a co-worker in another city whom I talk to but haven't met. I think about him constantly and can't understand why I've developed this "crush." Is this normal in today's workplace?

Surprise Feelings

The job is new and, clearly, so is your being exposed to other men (even just through conversations). Some workplace chat lends easily to kidding around verbally, even flirtatious banter. Allowing a crush to take a strong hold, however, starts flirting with danger.

Learn to draw the line and establishing that this is a work connection only, and a distant one at that. Mention your husband and kids, make it clear you're not interested in personal contact beyond what the job requires. And mean it.

Our mother's irrational behaviour, emotional abuse, and terror is tearing our family apart, plus damaging her own health and overall existence. We're dealing with a 60-year sisterly rivalry, vying for their parents' love and appreciation (though one has advanced Alzheimer's). There's also a hidden underlying issue for our mom and her sisters.

We've said we love her, and want her to seek help, but that doesn't work. She "doesn't believe in therapy." We're getting desperate. She's preventing us from carrying on with our lives, and has almost totally deprived us of any desire to have children of our own, lest we inflict the same emotional damage on them.

Desperate

The Parents' Alzheimer's condition could be a clue that a medical check is absolutely crucial here. Most people will see a doctor if helped to recognize that their actual life span may be shortened by ignoring health and stress factors.

You may have to scare her about the possibilities... such as a tumour that could be causing her behaviour, or a heart attack or stroke that could result from it. If nothing works, you may have to consider cooling your involvement for awhile, to regain your own sense of balance and emotional well-being.

FEEDBACK Regarding the husband who lied about cutting ties with his ex-girlfriend (March 9 live chat):

Reader - "I've been there - I even sat through marriage counseling where I told the therapist in front of my ex that he'd lied, I had papers to PROVE it, yet watched him squirm out of the lies with more lies, which I would then also prove false. It's a vicious circle, and this man also shows no intention of ever changing, he'll just become more adept at lying.

"Ending any marriage is tough, mine was over 20 years, but in the end, it allows the partner who's being manipulated and hurt, to live. It's not an easy transition but
one that opens up a world of positive possibilities to find the love you deserve. This husband may indeed "love her" but she deserves the love she wants, not what he's "willing" to toss her way.