I started dating a guy who’s everything I want. He has goals in life, is funny and sweet, and we get along famously.
After some time I found out he was still hurting over his ex-fiancee. We decided to stay friends as we both enjoyed having each other in our lives. We stopped really hanging out, and just talk through text.
He tells me that he has really strong feelings for me, and wishes he had met me before his ex... or five years from now.
I don't want to let myself get over him. I'm hoping that when he gets over things, he’ll still want me and we can pick up where we left off. I know this is stupid, but I can't help but hope. Like I said, I think he’s perfect for me.
Do I continue talking to him in hopes that things will change? Do I tell him I need to be away from him and if/when he’s ready for a relationship to call me? Another option?
At a Loss
He’s given you the “five-year” signal, that he’s not even close to ready to start something new.
Yes, he likes and respects you. But when a man’s “really strong feelings” can be switched to just text messaging, he’s not “into you” enough to put his ex in the past for a lo-o-ong time.
You’d be foolish to wait.
Date. Communicate less. Tell him you care for him but have to get on with your life. It may shorten his grieving period. Or it may not. But you won’t waste your time just hoping.
I'm 52, a divorced woman, looking for a second chance at happiness through a long-term serious relationship. I tried online dating three months ago and met a great guy. He’s very into me, very sweet, and treats me like a princess.
We get along very well and have fun when we’re together. He talks about getting married after one year. I believe I will have a good life with him.
Everything seems to go really well except that deep down I have to admit that I'm not that attracted to him. He’s ten years older than me but he’s not ugly and is very young in heart. I hope that I could be more into him but somehow I can't reciprocate his feelings to me yet.
Is chemistry really that important? Should I stay with him and try to be more into him? Maybe I just need time to develop my feelings to him?
Some people have a more pragmatic internal switch on chemistry… and it works for them. If the prospective partner treats them well, can provide a satisfying life, even loves them more than they feel in return, that’s reassurance enough of a secure relationship.
Others – yourself probably included here – have a more romantic sense of chemistry. They want passion. Only you can know whether this desire affected your marriage negatively, i.e. if seeking chemistry overrode your perception of whether your ex was the right man for you in other ways.
Three months isn’t a long time, though some will say chemistry is either there, or not. And you also don’t want to lead this man on. Nevertheless, take some time. Tell him not to rush you, and be honest that you’re not ready to talk marriage yet.
If, in a few more months, you’re still asking yourself this question, then for you, chemistry matters.
FEEDBACK Regarding people whose partners have treated them as paragons of virtue, and minutes later criticized them unmercifully.
Reader - “These could be symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, a condition that can be a nightmare for partners or parents. I personally recommend leaving the person, the sooner the better. I wish I’d done so years ago.
“Initially I stayed because I believed my spouse loved me but was suffering the aftermath of extreme childhood abuse. After his major heart attack at age 45, I stayed because I thought he needed me. I’m now 70, still living with the roller-coaster mood swings, lack of empathy, and erratic, impulsive behavior.
“BPD sufferers rarely recognize they have the problem and instead blame their partners. While it may seem disloyal to leave a partner who’s suffering from a mental illness, this condition is virtually untreatable unless the sufferer recognizes it is their problem and seeks help.”
Tip of the day:
When someone’s put a halt to being together as friends or lovers, don’t wait, just move on.