I’ve been in a six-year relationship with a good guy. My daughter’s father, who was abusive and uncaring, chose not to be in her life.

My boyfriend’s family has treated her as his own.

I feel sad and embarrassed about my failed marriage. I saw how my boyfriend naturally loved my daughter and treated her so well.

We took things slowly. He was still living with his parents in his early 30’s, and had either depression or lacked motivation.

He likes being laid off and it can last for months where I’m the only one working.

I become stressed, insecure, and nervous with the added financial pressure and his moodiness.

He retreats for long periods and often drinks. We drink together too, but I now see it drains our resources and holds us back.

I want to work hard, save money, own a home. He says he wants these things, but gets annoyed by my efforts to save money.

I get nauseous thinking about breaking up. My daughter would be devastated, and I love him. However, I’m unhappy. I try talking to him, but he gets defensive and angry.

He isn’t very interested in sex and offers no explanation.

Am I crazy for trying to make this work?

No Progress Happening

You thought you found a full partner, but he’s only an assistant – great with your daughter, but neither financially nor emotionally/sexually satisfying.

I read “drinking” as an elephant in the room. Alcohol is a depressant for many people, even if they don’t get “drunk.”

He’s long been dependent on parents, and you’ve become co-dependents – you for his “father” presence, he for your responsibility.

The more stressed and unhappy you are, the less thankful your daughter will be for your accepting all this. It’s a crummy role model.

Don’t hang onto this relationship just to not “fail.” His behaviour’s dragging you down.

See a therapist. There’s hope, IF you can accept being the main breadwinner, IF he deals with his moodiness, and IF he becomes a sexual partner again. Those things will only happen if he also sees a counselor.

Get pro-active… it’s your life to improve.

My mother, 74, is an individualist, and very independent. She doesn’t expect help even when she needs it, nor does she feel obligated to help others, including her children and grandchildren.

As the eldest daughter, I struggle to feel close to her. As a mother of daughters, I can’t understand her.

I’ve encouraged her to be involved with
them, but she doesn’t have the interest. I often don’t hear from her.

I’ve long felt sad, rejected, and angry that I’ve missed out having a loving, supportive mother involved with my family and me.

Should I accept who she is or keep gently encouraging her to be involved in my life?

Ready to Give Up

Try something else: Accept that you can’t change her, but adjust your own response.

I have personal knowledge of this one (though with different personality factors). You have to stop expecting some image of a “loving, supportive” Mom and make the best of what you have.

She has her own history and reasons for distance, disinterest, perhaps narcissism, which you might not know.

Reach out to her when you want her around, or you feel your daughters need some awareness of their grandmother. Otherwise, let her be. Also, try to encourage your other siblings to participate with her sometimes, so you don’t worry or have guilt feelings.

FEEDBACK Regarding the aunt whose niece’s parents ignore her warnings about developmental delay (March 27):

Reader – “EARLY INTERVENTION is key to making this child a functioning part of society.

“Parents who refuse to listen, and get their children the help they require, are doing a disservice to them.

“The older a child gets, the less effective therapies are; the younger they are, the better.... and with the waiting lists for these services, time is of the essence.

“Not all children will overcome this, but if parents put their children first then they have a fighting chance.

“Who cares if the aunt steps on someone’s toes? She’ll have done what needs to be done to help the child.”

Ellie – Good advice, usually, and when it doesn’t push the parents to dig in their heels and refuse help. This was the case; the parents resented relatives’ comments, but must accept the school’s insistence on going ahead with testing.