I've been in a five-year relationship and care a great deal about this person, but I'm not in love with her.

I realized in the past few years that there wouldn't be a future for us other than as good friends. I have no romantic interest in her, nor are we greatly compatible.

I've broken up, or tried to, several times, but have relented due to extreme guilt feelings.

I've mainly stayed in the relationship because she doesn't have many friends or family support. She's also under financial duress (I don't live with her, but I lend her money wherever I can.)

I'm afraid that if I left, her life would descend into chaos. Recently, she threatened to hurt herself if we ended.

I have a lot of guilt now for staying. I don't know if I can remain friends with her and still be helpful, or should just end our relationship altogether.

Confused in Portland

The longer you stay a couple, the worse it'll be when you finally flee.... and you will flee eventually.

Consider what you have been getting out of this relationship, because it wasn't only one-sided....

The comfort of someone who cared deeply about you and provided sex? Or did you enjoy (even promote) the feeling of being needed? Whatever the reason, this has been an exchange, not just charity on your part.

Talk to her honestly, about how each of you needs a different situation from this unhealthy co-dependency. Set up regular financial help for the first six months she's on her own.

Find a local community group that provides counselling to help her adjust. Stay in touch occasionally to make sure she's not in a deep depression. If that happens, get her to a doctor for treatment.

I'm the father of three children - girl, two; boy, five; and boy, eight. My oldest is very jealous of the middle son. At five, he got "student of the month" in senior kindergarten and continually gets high-fives.

My oldest continually pesters him. The two-year-old acts like the referee.

The other day I asked my oldest how he slept. He said he has nightmares every night about killing his little brother. I almost passed out, and said nothing.

Should I really be worried? He does fib a lot. One day he came home from a field trip. When I asked about it, he said, he missed the trip, stayed in the classroom. He made up a bunch of stories about the day.

The next day, I went to the principal's office. They called the teacher and sure enough he went on the field trip. The teacher even commented on what he was wearing.

Concerned Dad

Play to his strengths. At eight, he's likely bigger, better coordinated, capable of participating in sports, gymnastic, music, art... something that you can encourage as his standout skill.

Some sibling rivalry is natural, especially if the younger boy is surging ahead and the older hasn't found something that engages him enough. The fibbing at this stage is likely a way to get attention - and even the shock-value "nightmare" - is pushing your buttons just as he wants.

I say "likely" because you do need to keep watch over time, if doing well at his own thing doesn't relieve the jealousy you may need to consider more serious moves... e.g. sending them to separate schools, seeing a school psychologist, etc. Meanwhile, inform yourself by reading some of the self-help parenting books about sibling rivalry among young children.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose boyfriend's ignoring her (Nov 25):

Reader - "I'm a married man, mid-thirties, who displayed similar tendencies early in my marriage (ignoring my wife while I was on the phone, defensiveness if she complained).

"This comes from an inability to respond to multiple stimuli (texts/articles/TV/games vs. verbal input from partner). The defensiveness came from fear of arguing.

"We placed some hard rules around my phone: Not to be used in my wife's presence while in the bedroom, at meals, or while having "intentional" conversations.

"Within months the rules were no longer necessary, since, by avoiding phone use, in that time I became more attuned to my wife's signals. I occasionally relapse but my marriage on the whole has become more intimate."

Nicely handled! Acknowledging the problem, and your own part in it, finding a compromise solution re: time of phone use, enjoying the benefit.