I've been friends with a girl for eight months. I was initially interested in pursuing a relationship but discovered she had a boyfriend and decided I wanted to be her friend. Recently, after having a few drinks together, it eventually led to us having sex.

The sex was incredible, but it caused my feelings to resurface. She's been sending me signals; I think she might be interested in me, too.

I want her to date me, but she loves her boyfriend and I know it’d hurt her a lot to end that relationship. I feel guilty because he may choose to break up when she tells him.

I'm worried about backing off and just leaving her alone because she's been previously suicidal and if her relationship with her boyfriend ends, she might do something to hurt herself.

Worried

You’re worried NOW?!? AFTER you had sex with someone who’s already attached, and who’s been suicidal in the past?

First, you need a reality check about your own lack of judgment, restraint, and self-protection as well as being a knowing contributor to another’s shaky emotional state.

That needed to be said, for future relationships.

Here’s what to do now: Tell her you care about her and don’t want to hurt her. She should stay with the guy she loves. She can consider your encounter as an alcohol-related “accident,” and you’ll accept that view. And you’ll never say anything about it or pursue her. What she tells her boyfriend, if anything, is her business.

A couple of years ago I lost the position that I’d held for 18 years, due to the recession. I was also dealing with health issues, which were affecting my ability to respond sexually to my wife of 20 years. She's an executive in a bustling corporation.

Last year, she announced we were through - no discussion and no considering counselling for us. She said that although she loved me, she was no longer in love with me and had "messed up."

She claimed no third party involvement, when I asked. I took her at her word. Even though the problem of intimacy existed, I’d remained affectionate and thoughtful. Nor had she initiated any ideas regarding intimacy or closeness. I was relegated to the back of the line when it came to her all-consuming career.

She soon also left her church after a lifetime of devotion, when they said she should’ve sought counselling with me. Most of her family also disagreed with her choices. Her relationship with them is now strained.

After losing my work, my wife, my home, which we had to sell, I lost my self-esteem.

But I sought a new direction, and now have a dynamic mentor and am trying to bring my goals to fruition. Ironically and happily, my health issues are no more.

Yet I still want to know what happened and why she thought our marriage wasn't worth saving i.e. why I wasn't worth keeping.

I no longer love her as I no longer respect or trust her. Is it folly to confront her on these issues?

Lost but Seeking

Yes, it’s folly, because it’s hanging on to the past. You’ve already listed enough causes: all-consuming career, absence of intimacy, increased distance, her guilt for “messing up.” SHE needs the counselling!

What YOU needed you already have - a way forward with positive goals and the caring guidance of a solid mentor. Good luck!

I used to get my hair done at my hairdresser's house, which is down the street from me. I never tipped her because I didn't think I needed to.

Now she’s working outside her home, renting a salon chair at a hair salon. Do I, or should I be tipping her? My husband says No. What do you think?

Anonymous

I think your husband either doesn’t know much about the women’s services industry, doesn’t care, or is just cheap.

This working woman, whose professional skills you apparently enjoy and want, is splitting half of what she charges you with the salon, because 50 percent is the usual going rate today for chair rental.

She trained for her job, keeps current enough to please you, and is trying to earn an honest living in a tough economy.

People who work in this industry would starve if it weren’t for their tips. Add 10-15 per cent tip minimum.