I’m in my early-20s. Last year, I was talking to this guy; it was a long-distance relationship. We’d text and call each other all the time, but we never had a chance to see each other because of work and stuff.
Then, suddenly he started acting weird with me, getting distant. His sister would text me, saying that he’s in a depression and I tried to help him, but I guess he didn't want to talk to me or anybody else. He’d been through a lot.
Now, I just recently saw him. He came and said hi and stuff and couldn't stop looking at me, but he doesn't know that I still have feelings for him.
And I’ve learned that his sister thought that I was the one that didn't want him. I also found out he came from a bad relationship and finds it very hard to trust a girl.
I don't know if I should tell him how I feel or try to move on.
I try to meet other guys but I just can’t.
You’re lost in a relationship that never was. “Long-distance talking” is only a background to getting to know someone. (You weren’t even aware that he was depressed until his sister told you).
Moreover, her being in the middle of your communication only muddled things between you and this guy.
Your “feelings” are really about the hopes you built up, without ever having a chance for a real relationship with him.
You’ll be able to date and move on when you turn off the romantic reel that was playing in your imagination.
Next time, get to know someone who’s available to see in person, and spend time together. Long-distance relationships can work over time, after there’s a base of personal connection, but not without it.
I’ve been dating a very nice guy who’s already said the “L” word and with whom I could see a good life ahead… he’s successful, reliable, and fairly attractive.
But my ex has contacted me and wants to “try again.” We’ve gone down this road before, more than once. He’s a gorgeous and sexy man, but never sticks with a job long enough to get ahead in his field.
He’s a dreamer who always sees something “better”… and that included leaving me, for another woman; but he always came back.
You’re taking risks on TWO relationships at once: The Steady Guy and the Charming Loser.
You’re torn because you know that neither guy is right for you, at least not right now.
Take a break from both men.
Leave the nice guy before you cheat openly, and take time to re-think whether you never let yourself develop anything deeper with him because your ex hovers in the background.
Cut off contact with this repeat troublemaker. He’ll lure you back into an unhealthy relationship, with you always knowing that he’ll leave or cheat again.
It’s possible that during a true double break, you’ll see the value of a decent man who loves you steadily, not just when he’s not with someone else. Whether that turns out to be the current Mr. Nice or not, only time will tell.
FEEDBACK Regarding the boy who had sex with a dog (Sept. 19):
Reader – “You described “zoophilia” between a person and animals, but this boy probably meant an unattractive girl.”
Ellie – Others also questioned the “dog” term, however, the much-longer letter was clear that he referred to a neighbour’s pet dog.
I’m 17, dating a boy who’s 18, for two months. I’m his first girlfriend. He’s so shy, never makes the first step, never calls me first, or asks me out.
I told him many times that I don't like this. I love romance, I want to feel that he really loves and cares for me. He promised to change for me. How can I help him change?
Don’t overwhelm him with your “I want/I need” demands. A shy guy with a first girlfriend is a treasure – he’s never played around, isn’t just out to score, and wants to please you.
But he can’t be ordered around or forced to “change.” He has qualities you like, so be careful with your criticism about what he’s doing “wrong.”
He CAN be taught by your example: If you’re sweet and caring, if you show you’re proud and respectful of him, if you’re affectionate, that’s what he’ll learn.
Tip of the day:
Long-distance relationships only last over time if there’s been a baseline of connection in person.