My boyfriend of five years and I have mostly been long-distance. After one year together (we met in my final year of university) he said he decided to not graduate and take a year off. Though I was upset that he'd misled me about school, I was supportive but moved ahead to graduate school overseas. He was excellent at keeping the relationship strong.

Because of his poor performance he was denied re-entry so left the country to re-start his studies. He continued to seem unfocused and after two years still wasn't able to return to school. I worried about his lack of ambition. He parties a lot, drinks excessively and smokes marijuana regularly.

He decided to end things with me. I'd been struggling with depression and my own stress. We split for a year. He went to school in Europe. I was now back in North America. He admitted that he still loved me.

This past semester he's had to redo several exams and has fallen into the same old pattern. I'll soon be starting my career.

Do you think these problems are deal-breakers? I want to think about marriage and having children, etc. He's a wonderful companion, makes me laugh and has always been devoted to me.

Unsure

You've got a bag full of deal-stressors, so - just as you applied yourself to career decisions - start focusing immediately on what you want to see happen over the next few years.

The reality is that your guy remains unfocused, drinks excessively and smokes dope. Can he change? Only if HE wants to, not because you demand it.

It's possible to live happily with a partner who's less ambitious but loving and devoted...if you can truly accept that, especially if your vision of family life with children also includes his more casual, carefree (and very possibly less-successful financially) approach.

However, the drinking and dope may become intolerable once you have kids. Frankly, you've looked away for too long.

I believe another split is in order - at least six months, no contact, and with both of you dating others if you choose. You'll know what to decide after that.

My stepson recently finished post-secondary education; we'd paid his rent, food, utilities, and his truck payments and paid off his student loan (costs shared with his mother).

He stayed with us to complete a course in our city, found a permanent job and has remained for three months. He makes more money than either my husband or myself yet contributes zero to household expenses, chores, no rent, nor any mention of moving out.

When I raise that he could contribute a little my husband gets upset. My son and daughter attend university, so money's tight.

My stepson's constantly looking for toys for his truck, electronics, going out drinking with buddies etc. yet he takes toothpaste from our cupboard. I feel we're being used. Do I let it go on?

Frustrated

Speak up, not as a step-mom, but as a wife, mother, equal partner. Tell your husband your two children won't be allowed to sponge off you both once they're working, and this adult son can't do it, either.

If necessary go on strike and stop contributing your share of household expenses unless he 1) pays some rent; 2) buys his own toiletries; 3) helps with chores.

Insist on giving him three-months notice to find his own place. Once you set firm boundaries, he'll want to be on his own anyway.

I'm a widow, who met a widower seven years ago. We discussed living together; I suggested selling both our properties and buying together, but he refused.

His only solution was that I sell, move in with him, but not bring anything as he had his house set up as he wanted it. He'd never changed anything since his wife passed away. I still can't understand the selfishness of anyone asking another person to give up everything!

Also, after discussing a pre-nup (it was all his way or no way) I became very depressed. He said, "If you have a problem, deal with it and get over it."

I've since sold my property and have moved myself into an adult lifestyle community, and have left him. My only regret is I should've split up with him long ago.

Sharing my Experience

Thanks for confirming that a bullying relationship is unacceptable and destructive.