My partner of four years (married two years) has admitted he’s been "relieving" himself on porn sites regularly for several months.
We do have consistent, enjoyable, satisfying sex. I’m in a routine of work/yoga, so he’s home much earlier and bored.
I’m 45, with a distorted body image, recovering from a 30-year eating disorder, trying to regain my weight. He’s greatly frustrated that it’s not happening fast enough for him.
I’m trying to avoid constant doctors’ recommendations of hospital treatments. I’ve been there repeatedly, know the tools they provided me, and am confident in doing this on my own. My husband agrees I must do this on my own.
He’s become more “rough” and aggressive in bed. He says he’s just role-playing, but even afterwards, he’s rude, makes condescending remarks. He claims it’s because of low workplace morale, but also complains he doesn’t see any improvement in my "recovery.”
Regular updates with the doctor have proved him wrong. Am I overreacting? Or are my anger, hurt, hate, and also guilt, justifiable?
Your health must be your priority. He knows this, yet shows frustration in ways that upset you, which he also must know.
However, you need to stay focused. And you also need as much of a support team as you can muster.
Stay in close contact with the doctor who’s been following your weight-gain successes. Talk to her/him when you’re feeling low. Stay connected to your yoga teacher if she/he understands and boosts your goals.
Bring a counselor into the picture to help you and your husband deal with the ups, downs, and stresses during this period.
Explain to your partner that the counselling is to help each other. There are more beneficial and lasting solutions to boredom and stress than the fleeting release from porn. Such as getting involved in his own fitness regime or an interest he’s never had time for before.
If he won’t go, see a therapist on your own.
His attempts to get your attention back on him are crude, but may be a sign that he, too, wants to be more needed as part of your support. Hopefully, you’ll both find ways to make this work.
Part of my job is to review resumes, to determine how they should be directed. I’ll typically inform the job seeker via email that their resume will be kept on file for future consideration.
I recently received a resume that, while sincere (not spam), was atrocious - awful grammar and vocabulary, nearly illegible format.
Yet the candidate stated that he or she had completed a Bachelor's degree, had Canadian working experience, and English oral presentation skills.
I believe this person will never be hired based on this resume.
How can I diplomatically suggest seeing a career counselor, and getting additional lessons in written English? I don't want to give offense, or be misunderstood due to a language barrier.
I, too, would want to offer the kind of guidance you suggest.
However, your job and the company you work for may have limitations on what’s appropriate for you to say. Check that out with your boss.
Remember, too, that email is so easily misinterpreted for tone. The recommendation for seeing a career counselor may be easier to put across - to help the person narrow the job search – rather than mentioning language lessons.
The counselor would also spot that weakness in the resume and discuss it in person with the client.
FEEDBACK Regarding the divorced father whose teenage daughter stopped her visits (May 19):
Reader – “His claim, "I’ve been a better father than any I've seen" sets off a few alarm bells for me. A good father wouldn't make this claim – he might say, "I try to be a good father." He also wouldn't tell his child she’s “evil.”
“I suspect that comment was the last straw for his daughter. I say this after witnessing my teenaged niece and nephew go through a similar estrangement from their father. He, too, thinks he's a great father, and is convinced my sister is turning the children against him.
“In reality, she’d love them to have a good relationship with their dad, but won't force them to see him against their will.
“I agree with your advice - the father should focus on what his daughter needs, stop blaming her mother, and seek counselling.”
Tip of the day:
In a health crisis, partners need to understand that emotional support is paramount.