We’ve been living together for three years, have a son together, and we’re homeowners.
I'm ready for the BIG question. But he seems NOT interested! He says he wants to get married but it feels otherwise.
His cousin just proposed to his fiancée two months ago, which hit me hard.
I became that jealous girl I'd never thought I could be.
I just want to tell my boyfriend, "I want to get married!!!"
How do I confront him without sounding like a whiney greedy girl? Or am I over- reacting?
He knows you want to get married. And he’s stalling.
Speak up, but not while you’re wired by jealousy. This is about you two, not anyone else.
You need to discuss common ideas on what a proposal means – e.g. having a time-line for when to marry, whether an engagement ring’s affordable, etc.
If he already thinks what you’re after is a big wedding with all the bells and whistles, he may be worried about how to pay for it.
That’s fair enough, but only if he’s open about it so you can compromise on what your wedding plans will be.
Tell him what’s most important to you – I’m hoping it’s the commitment to take the relationship to the next, deeper phase.
But be clear that you must have confidence that the father of your child wants to marry you, within the foreseeable future.
I’ve been married for four years to a great guy. We have a small daughter.
However, I feel he’s more interested in his parents and especially his sister's family!
His constant concern and need to buy them gifts, sharing details about us/our child, and valuing their opinion over mine, is very upsetting.
I tried to maintain a nice relationship with his family but I’ve become withdrawn because I find them passive-aggressive and demanding.
I feel they gang up on me.
I used to only see them occasionally, but they constantly want to be around the baby and we don’t have much time for ourselves.
My husband only wants to be around them. He doesn’t want to meet friends or spend time together, just us.
I’m not trying to keep the baby from them. My husband can visit on his own with her when she’s more independent.
But I’m not ready to leave my child for that length of time because he’s too lax - compromising nap times, not changing diapers, disrespectful of my wishes (i.e. distribution of photos), not applying sunscreen, etc.
But, he’ll brush me off saying I’m imagining things and nagging.
He blames me for upsetting his family.
I feel unsupported, which makes me more anxious.
Am I too protective? How can I make things more comfortable for them?
It’s not unusual for a first-time parent to be overprotective, but you may be trying to control too much.
At home, encourage your husband to take charge of a naptime, a diaper change, and to apply sunscreen. Then share the parenting.
Your relationship’s at a fragile point and your husband needs to address this with you instead of taking refuge with his family.
Having a first baby is a major change for a couple and unfortunately, you two have developed a divide instead of a stronger tie.
Get to counselling, together, and individually if needed.
Your husband needs to recognize that he’s isolating you.
Time together and time with your mutual friends is essential for this relationship to not be overshadowed by his closeness to his relatives.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman “hounded” by a man she’s been dating (June 30):
Reader – “While insecurities and anxieties may be driving him, it’s manifesting in compulsive and/or obsessive behaviour to constantly contact her.
“A professional therapist can help her assess his behaviour and if necessary, help her plan an effective exit strategy and handle any situations during or after the break-up.
“Many women could’ve benefited by your suggesting these precautionary steps to find out what kind of person they’re dealing with.”
Ellie – Such precautionary steps take time, which could cause the person to be even more compulsively attached.
But this woman already feels “hounded” by someone she only met recently and who’s been obsessive about her since the second date.
I agree that all readers, men and women, can benefit by recognizing that being “hounded” is worrisome, even frightening.
I did suggest that this man needs his own therapy, which the writer could recommend.
Tip of the day:
A proposal means being ready and willing for making wedding plans.