When I was going through my divorce, I was off my head. I was trying to make things the best they could be while fearing that my three daughters would choose their father over me (we have 50/50 custody, but they’d soon be old enough to choose).
So, after they begged and begged me, I got them a cat.
However, I have a boyfriend, and did at the time I left my marriage. He is allergic to cats.
I knew he was but didn't realize how severe it was, and, being out of my head as I was, I still got a cat.
It's now having a real impact on our relationship.
He can't spend any time at my house and is struggling with why I’d get a cat when he’s allergic.
It's been two and a half years since I got the cat and, if I could go back and do it again, I’d never agree to get a cat for the kids.... but.... what do I do now?
Drop the “out of my head” story. Divorce is traumatic for everyone, including the kids, as was their having to adjust to Mom’s new boyfriend. The “cat” may even have become their unwitting cry for you to choose them over him.
That was then, this is now. You have a family problem and should have a family meeting. Discussion: “X” (your guy) is severely allergic. What can we all do to deal with this?
Perhaps the cat can be given to a loving home (neighbor? relative?) where the girls can visit it. Perhaps your boyfriend takes increased allergy medication when he visits, and you have your time together at his place, when the girls are with their dad.
Readers, have you any other suggestions for this post-divorce cat-divide?
We met at a party, had a one-night stand, started hanging out, partying, had sex multiple times.
We stopped partying, but continued living together. I got pregnant, lost the baby.
I have chronic myeloid leukemia (CML) and he’s my rock. We sleep in the same bed, as friends, and spend 99% of our time together.
I love his family, and they love me.
We agree that no one will ever come between our friendship, but he gets weird when I start talking to a guy seriously, lest I start dating again. He doesn’t want to date.
He’s been having nightmares that I leave him and move away. I’ve tried to assure him that this’ll never happen.
We don't kiss, aren't openly affectionate, but we're close. He loves to make me laugh, and cares for me when I'm sick.
I don't want to ruin our wonderful friendship, but I’m looking for a future with a guy and he has a problem with every man I talk to.
I don't want to wait for something that may never come from his side, but I don't want to let him go either.
Scared of Waiting
Only at your last sentence, you became clear that you want a future with him.
If, despite closeness, this is the way you two communicate – you, not open about your feelings;he, expressing fears through dreams – you’ll be stuck in limbo between friends and full partners.
It may be your illness that’s got you both frightened about the future.
A visit to your doctor, together, if you’re comfortable, could be reassuring. There are treatment options and hopeful prognoses about this form of leukemia.
Consider “couples’ counselling, too, about handling this.
I met him a year ago; he’s my best friend’s family friend.
Recently, we’ve been talking and my friend’s saying that we both have crushes on each other.
I brushed it off, but we saw each other for the second time a week ago and I was, whoa, I do like him
Maybe it’s just because my friend pointed it out. Or because he’s really smart and makes me feel good about myself.
We sometimes flirt but I don't want to act out.
The problem is age difference - I'm 15 and he’s 19. And we live three hours apart.
We stay up late talking. And on Facebook, too. I haven't told my friend yet.
Talk to your parents. The age difference can matter, if there’s a (likely) big experience gap, too. Flirting’s fun, but you’re right not to go overboard, and build false expectations for either of you.
Tip of the day:
If a cat can divide you from your kids or your mate, you’re not seeing the real problem.