My girlfriend of three years lost her grandma late last year; she’s still completely devastated. She says, “the ability to love was taken from me.” The sad thing is that I believe her and it’s crushing our relationship and me. I love her. 

It hurts me to see her in this pain, yet it’s tearing me apart because the love has left our relationship because of this death.

Am I selfish for wanting to feel love back in this difficult time for her?

- Double Loss

She needs your support, despite her claims of having lost her ability to love. Experts say that the death of very close people can take at least a year to absorb. 

Meanwhile, sorrow has your girlfriend misinterpreting the message Grandma conveyed in their relationship: Instead of thinking love has gone, she needs to realize that the capacity to give and receive love was the woman’s great legacy to her. Don’t push her for reassurances about your relationship, until she’s secure about your understanding at this time.

She should get grief counselling, which is available through faith-based pastoral counselling, a community agency, a bereavement organization, or a private therapist.

I need a good shake, because I can see what I should do, but am incapable of doing it.

I’ve been married to a good man for several years. We have our issues, but care very much for each other. He’s been very willing to attend couples counselling, and take professional advice. But I’ve been in love with another man for a year.

He’s a friend who moved far away six months ago, though we’re constantly in touch. I can’t seem to get over my feelings for him, though I know I should cut contact and concentrate on my marriage.

My husband and I tried a separation for several months, to get our heads clear, but it hasn’t helped me - I want to feel more than just obligated to him. And I want not to be in love with my friend, who knows about my feelings. He doesn’t discourage them, but he’s not inviting me to where he is either.

What should I do?

- Torn

Shake yourself - of all thoughts and hopes about coming up with an easy answer, either your own, or from me. 

Divorce is tough. So is moving into a new relationship, especially in another place, with a person you’ve only known as a friend/lover and a fantasy of something better than what you’ve got.

If you don’t feel any love for your husband, stop the charade of counselling and separate for at least a year. But stay on your own, and learn to assess your feelings in light of realities: Are you prepared to start again? Do you really want to move where he is? Is your friend The One, or just an alternative, and/or a way to leave your husband?

However, if you recognize that you’ve contributed to whatever’s wrong in your marriage, and if you two as a couple mostly need the “shake” of figuring out how to re-boot your relationship, then continue with counselling and yes, stop contact.

My boyfriend of six months is rude to waiters, office cleaners, hotel porters, etc. and never tips. I’ve said I disagree with his ways, but he ignores my feelings.

- What To Do?

He’s either so arrogant, or so insecure, that he’s contemptuous of service workers, whom he deems “unequal.” Don’t even consider a domestic union with this jerk… better to stop dating him!

Throughout our eight years together, and two daughters, my guy has cheated. I don’t trust or forgive him. He doesn’t do anything, yet complains that I don’t do anything right, and don’t cook as good as his mom. 

I love him but doubt his love for me; I’m not happy anymore. He doesn’t spend any time with me; we work opposite shifts.

On weekends he’s with his friends or playing video games. How do I get out? We have a house together that neither one of us can afford alone.

- Fed Up

You’re in a bad deal, which you either have to change however you can, or leave. 

Get to a legal clinic to learn about your rights in a separation regarding child support, custody and access issues, possible property division. Then get counselling to build your self-esteem and decide what you can accept…or not.

Remember, he can’t cook like Mama, either.