My husband of a few years (together for over ten), and I recently had a beautiful child.
Over the last few months, we've been arguing heatedly, mostly about how much I fail him as a wife and lover.
He’s twice raised divorce. During one argument (after he'd been drinking), he said he wishes he never married me.
He later said he didn't want a divorce and apologized for speaking out of anger.
Meanwhile, I’ve fallen for a co-worker.
I don’t plan to pursue him, but we’re friends and both natural flirts.
I don't know how to manage staying friends with him. Or, how to deal with feeling guilt and embarrassment that I've fallen for someone who’s unattainable even if I were single.
There’s also my utter fear that my husband will divorce me.
How can I cope knowing that I’m making mistake after mistake in my marriage, which could implode soon?
I feel like a horrible person for allowing these feelings to develop.
I need to process my emotions; so not being able to tell anyone my co-worker secret is taking a toll.
Counseling isn’t an option, as I don’t have time to attend. Changing jobs isn’t possible now either.
In A Mess
A still-new baby, a critical husband, marital fighting, and a secret crush… yes, you’re in a mess and need to make time to deal with the issues, one by one.
First, see your doctor. You have enough post-partum stress that could/or has caused depression. Once there, ask for a referral to an individual therapist for you to talk to.
Then, tell your husband you need him to babysit while you do this. That gives you the needed time.
You can be open about your “secret” with the therapist. Since your co-worker’s actually “unattainable,” he’s become your fantasy escape route.
It’s time you discussed with a professional as to why you need this outlet. Obviously, your husband’s putdowns have a good deal to do with this.
Therapy will give you insights and confidence to then tackle the major issue: What does he want from you? Does he have no understanding of the pressures on new mothers, especially while also working? Or, is new fatherhood stressing him?
That’s where marital counselling comes in. You two need it. Divorce threats, especially while drinking, just aren’t acceptable.
If he’s seriously unhappy with the relationship, you both have to probe, with guidance, what can be changed, what compromised, and what accepted.
Otherwise, you both get legal advice, learn the responsibilities of co-parenting and child support, and divide the funds to handle your lives apart.
Get strong with professional help and any family/friend supports available. Then face your life knowing you can handle what’s needed.
My ex- boyfriend of several years kept contact with my parents periodically.
But he rejected staying friends with me when he found his current girlfriend. I broke up with him and it didn't end nicely.
I'm married now with children. After learning about his father’s ill health, I sent a text. He responded with thanks.
Now my parents have found an unaddressed letter in their mailbox informing them of his father’s passing and funeral arrangements.
My mom feels I should be attending. I feel it’s inappropriate.
He didn't directly invite me.
Should I attend? Or, should I ask my ex?
Uncertain About Funeral
Ask him in a brief text. Express condolences, and then say that you’ll respect his wishes as to whether he wants you to attend the funeral.
FEEDBACK Regarding "Upset" who found dating sites on her new live-in boyfriend's phone (Nov. 15):
Reader – “She should find the safest way to move out.
“Asking a liar for an explanation of their discovered cheating behaviour gets you more lies and helps liars hide their tracks better.
“Clearing the air with concerned questions and effective communication assumes both partners are honest and equally invested in the same relationship.
“He sounds like he's in several.
“What she may get is DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse (the) Victim with Offender… because she "snooped."
Ellie – Yes, DARVO’s a pat formula for what can transpire when you have a committed liar/cheater.
But giving him a chance at answering isn’t foolhardy, if she has confidence that she snooped for some instinct or reasonable suspicion.
She asks, and how he answers gives the signal.
If he overreacts as you described, she ends it fast. If he’s apologetic, she gives him one more chance. Period.
Tip of the day:
When a relationship’s strained by stress, parenting, criticism, and escapist feelings, counselling help is crucial.