We've known each other from when we were both 13, started dating at 17, and married at 25.

Three adorable kids and 21 years later, she filed for divorce. You never get over it.

Worse, you never understand how someone you've known for 34 years won't even talk to you anymore or return your calls.

They want to move on in life without you. Your best friend is no more.

Your soul’s gutted, your heart’s shattered, your self-esteem gone. Your mental health is in the air.

You learn to trust no one and begin to question everything

Mutual friends pick a side. You have no interest in dating or meeting new people.

The future becomes daunting, knowing you'll likely live alone, while all your dreams of living together into old age, are forever gone.

Is this the norm to completely cut off all communications with your ex-spouse?

It seems like such a selfish, drastic step by one person to take, while absolutely shattering the other person's well-being.

Devastated by Divorce

Your pain is evident, but what happened is not.

I’d only be guessing when I say that some relationships that start so young do go adrift as people “grow” in different directions.

Or, that one partner becomes restless on reaching the 40s, and starts to feel he/she missed something by finding a mate so early.

Or, issues that were glossed over through being busy working and raising kids, were never resolved but suddenly loomed very large in one person’s mind.

What’s clear is that you don’t know the answer, and she’s all the more angry at you for not knowing.

That’s why she’s cut off contact.

The more you try to reach her, the more distant she’ll become. So surprise her. Stop reaching out, and focus on improving your well-being the best you can.

Get out and be with people you like. Spend time with your children to talk about their lives rather than complain about yours.

Pursue a long-neglected interest to get your mind working at something new and engaging. Get involved – in your own fitness, in your community, in some aspect of your work, whatever.

Once you are no longer absorbed with the what and why of your divorce, some of the answers may become clearer. Or, you’ll be busy making a new life for yourself.

 

I’m a female, 26, in a 10-month relationship with a guy, 34. It’s been a week since we last spoke.

He hadn’t seen me for two weeks because I was out of town. I returned, and went to his house.

He gave me a baby kiss as usual, because he says he doesn’t like French kissing.

So all the time that we’ve dated, he’s only deep-kissed me three times.

At night, after my arrival, he just put his hand between my legs as he normally does, without even romancing me, no foreplay at all.

I refused because I’m tired of it going on this way, with me previously assuming that maybe he’s just not used to me.

He’s been cross since. So I’ve been quiet as well. What advice can you give me?

Confusing Ways

Walk away from this guy. He’s not in love with you. And if he were, he’d still be a poor choice for you.

He’s only interested in sex for his pleasure, not yours. He lacks romance and passion. You want both.

What’s worse, is that even after ten months, neither of you know how to communicate effectively with each other.

I’ve been married for 17 years and have two children. My sex life with my wife has been very poor.

I do not get any support from my partner, without any reason why.

We have sex three or four times in a year. This creates a lot of discomfort in me, and I feel lonely too.

Despondent in Delhi, India

Please read the above two questions. This seems to be a day of hearing from people who suffer in silence instead of speaking up about what they want and need.

All three questions also indicate that no one’s listening to what their partner’s feeling, or their wants and needs, either.

Seventeen years of hushed sorrows, hidden hurts, silent resentments… I believe your wife is as lonely as you are.

Talk to her gently. Ask her what she’s feeling, what she hopes for your life together. Listen. Then tell her your own feelings.

It may help. It can’t hurt.