I'm finishing my first year of university, have never dated or been kissed, never tasted alcohol.
I have a crush on someone and we’re good friends, but don’t know what he thinks of me.
He seems to flirt with me. But at a recent dance he got very drunk (he gets drunk every weekend) and made out on the dance floor with some girl.
I was really upset although tried not to show it. Now, it's as if nothing happened between us.
Should I just move on, and keep looking to meet someone new? Will I ever find someone?
Never Been Kissed
A crush is an attraction enhanced by fantasy.
But what you’ve seen is who he is. He regularly gets drunk, gets sloppy mushy in public, showing little control or respect for himself or his date.
You do NOT want to be that girl. Flirty or friendly, this guy would be the worst choice for you. You’re ready for first experiences that help you build self-confidence, not shame.
When you meet new guys, look for decency, respect, and trust. It takes time and friendship to know someone beyond a crush.
You’ll meet many, but don’t fall for what you just imagine.
My son, 17, is in his last year of high school and has stopped going to classes whenever he doesn't feel like it.
I’ve tried taking away privileges, punishments, rewards, etc. Nothing’s working.
I’ve asked if something’s going on at school that’s making him stay away (i.e. bullying) and he swears it's nothing like that.
He’s in danger of not graduating. I’ve been taking him to a psychologist who says he’s just being a teenager, and I may have to let him fail and deal with the consequences.
But I can't bring myself to do that.
I make sure he's up and ready every morning before I leave for work, and he’ll tell me he's been in school, but then I discover from his school records that he hasn't been.
The lying is heartbreaking because I want to believe him. But he continues with the lies and skipping school.
Do I just let him fail?
Parent on the Edge
Know this: If he fails, it doesn’t mean that you did.
Something is bothering him, but he’s not saying or doesn’t actually know what it is.
The best you can do is try to help him recognize and deal with what’s bothering him.
If he can’t or won’t, letting him face the consequences of his actions is part of the process of maturing and taking responsibility.
You can lead him to a number of paths, but then it’s still his move.
Insist on a medical check-up in case there are health issues brewing here, or mental health indicators of what’s going on.
Be clear that you’re concerned for his well being, not that there’s something “wrong” with him.
The psychologist has already spoken. Now see a career counselor in case his school absences reflect fear of failure and the unknown ahead.
A career counselor can help him find his talents and the education path that matches his interests.
Finally, try to find out where he’s spending his days while you’re at work. He may be caught up with a group that’s influencing him, perhaps involved with drug and alcohol use, or just a negative attitude toward school.
If so, he may well need to learn on his own where this leads in terms of your support, not only as to whether he passes or fails.
FEEDBACK Regarding the girlfriend who won’t move to live with her boyfriend in New York until he gives her a ring (Feb. 3):
Reader – “This appears to be a long-standing problem of the boyfriend being unwilling to commit.
“Inviting her to come live with him isn’t a commitment, it’s a desire to maintain his comfortable life style.
“There’s no mention of him regularly coming back home to be with her.
“The moment she escalates the "ring" issue to make it public (and an embarrassment to him), he threatens a break in their relationship. I see this as a blatant power move to keep her in place.
“I agree that she’s obsessed with the ring, but the symbol she’s seeking is really his public declaration of commitment.
“After five years this isn’t unreasonable. She’s not convinced of his commitment, so the ring (AT A MINIMUM) is necessary. She should walk away.”
Tip of the day:
A crush is an attraction enhanced by fantasy, not a relationship.