I'm engaged to my boyfriend of three years. My feelings for a friend have recently elevated. He’s a former coworker and married (six months).
I've always had a slight crush on him, but never said anything because he (and then eventually, I) was in a relationship and I didn't want to ruin the friendship.
Now, I feel strongly that I need to tell him and get it out in the open so I can move on.
I suspect he has feelings for me. However, I don't want to cheat on my fiancé, nor would I….. but how can I be sure whom I should be with long-term?
I love my fiancé, but I can also see myself with my friend.
It’s your engagement, not the guy, that’s got you seeking an escape hatch.
Maybe you love your fiancé, maybe you like this friend…. but mostly, you’re not ready to plan a marriage to anyone.
Your married friend hasn’t expressed similarly “elevated feelings,” so opening up this conversation would be playing with fire.
Not to mention possibly burning the friendship, and another woman’s life
Do NOT get things “out in the open.” Your reasons will appear selfish. Instead, focus on why you feel restless after committing to marry your guy.
If you can’t figure this out on your own, talk to a therapist about your current vision of love and of marriage.
I fell in love with this girl who likes me, but won’t date me because she doesn't date her friends.
She says that if we were dating and broke up, she thinks we’d never talk again.
I love her, but she only thinks I like her and she does have feelings for me.
But, she won’t change her mind about it.
Should I just let her go? Or, should I try going for her?
She already told you. Do not pursue her. If she had strong feelings like love, she’d break her own “rule.”
Also, she’s trying not to hurt your feelings or the friendship. If you push her on wanting to date, she’ll have to push you away.
This isn’t a do or die, you haven’t dated each other before, and you may have deeper feelings but you’ve never tested them in a real relationship with her.
However, if you don’t think you can handle only being friends, then distance a little, date others, and maybe the friendship can resume in time.
I've always dreamed about being either a famous producer, director, and even an actress.
I really want to act on my feelings and pursue a career in this field one day.
However, I know that it’s VERY difficult to even get the slightest job security in this field.
I'm still in university, and getting tired of being in school. I know dreams like this don't usually come true like this one, but is there any way I could try and somehow not be poor/broke?
Dreaming of Fame
Dreams are an important stimulus, but only if you work at them. Dropping university is not the way.
Switching courses, however, towards any aspect of theatre arts would be a start.
Fame and fortune rarely come early, but people with talent and determination find ways to support themselves because it’s the work itself that they love.
If you’re serious, take acting workshops, volunteer with a fledging theatre group, study the works of great directors and playwrights.
A business course would also help towards understanding the role of producers.
COMMENTARY You printed my response to your Controlling Partners column (Jan. 27) on Mar 11.
Between these two dates, I left my controlling partner, due to blatant patterns of emotional abuse and increased criticisms, accusations, and self-serving behaviours.
If I’d previously done the reading that I'm doing now, I’d not have written the naive letter about my situation. Nor given anyone the false hope that an emotional abuser will stop if their victim does what’s asked, or protests against it.
The more I spoke up, the more ways he found to get to me. If I "solved" one issue bothering him, a new one took its place to keep me off-balance.
You were right about the emotional effect of the treatment. My physical stress symptoms have since gone away.
I’m continuing with therapy, research, journaling, and am unbelievably happy.
Friends and family, who’d been alarmed at what I was accepting, are relieved.
Tip of the day:
When feelings for another intrude on your engagement, question your reasons for wanting an escape.