My girlfriend and I can only communicate over text, email, and Skype because she’s vacationing in Mexico.

She recently said she had cancer, which sent me into a depressing stage and I haven't been paying much attention to her.

I want to tell her I still love her, and that she means everything to me - no matter what happens.

I don't know what to do to let her know that over technological communication. She won’t be back for another three weeks.

Need Serious Advice

Hopefully, you’ve learned a powerful lesson: When  something difficult affects someone you care about, your first reaction should be compassion for her or him, not retreat because of how it affects you.

It’s the difference between self-absorption and real maturity. If you want to impress your girlfriend that you love her, you need to step up and help with her illness and the treatment process she’ll undergo.

Skype communication isn’t as intimate as being together in person, but it’s as close as possible while she’s away.

Have the courage to tell her, right at the start, that you love her, and that you apologize for allowing yourself to be distanced when she needed you.

Admit that you got depressed by her news out of fear for what it may mean to you, as well as worry for her. Say that missing her made you realize how wrong that was, because she’s very important to you.

If you can handle this kind of emotionally open conversation, your feelings will be seen as genuine. She may need some coaxing, because it’s very likely that she was hurt by your initial detachment.

After a couple of Skype chats, your texts and emails should keep reflecting your sincere interest in how she feels, and looking forward to seeing her soon.

 

FEEDBACK Regarding the male high-school student upset about demeaning comments from guys about girls and women at his school (Dec. 12):

Reader – “You had a chance to help a teenager create change. You suggested he walk away, because he's unlike those guys and they already know it.

“Then he should go through student council or the school administration to launch an awareness campaign.

“I would suggest that a major part of the reason that sexist attitudes persist is because of the belief that they're shared by the majority, and because individuals aren't willing to appear even slightly different from the pack.

“But nothing will change until this starts happening on an individual level.

“There may be ways this young man can find to address this issue without creating major divisions.

“He was looking for ways to address this issue where it matters.”

Ellie – This writer’s challenge has moved me to re-think this matter. I suggested he walk away during gang-like locker room sexist comments, so that he wouldn’t become a victim of that moment, and that he use his convictions in other ways.

The writer mentions “other” (unstated) options, but awareness campaigns have been successful in many instances of changing school board policies on bullying, for example, as well as alerting parents of the problem.

He might also write an online blog about sexism in high schools and create a social media campaign about what goes on in other schools, so that a much broader dialogue takes place, with students encouraged to tell their own stories.

I invite readers to add any further suggestions, and I’ll publish these in a future column.

 

My husband and I are divorcing. Counselling hasn’t worked, we’re like strangers emotionally and physically. I’m not functioning as the best mother I can be while feeling stifled and depressed.

What’s the best way to tell young teenagers that we’re splitting up? Do we take them to counselling? What if my husband believes I’m doing this because I’m more interested in my work than my family (not true)?

Stressed But Determined

Kids don’t need your intimate information. They’ll know simple honesty when they hear it, but don’t expect them to applaud your decision.

They want to know how the split will affect them, and they need to know that it’s not their fault, that nothing they did caused it.

Counselling is wise IF they’re unable to adapt to the changes and aren’t functioning well at school or socially. But teenagers have to be willing to go.

Give them time, patience, love, and encourage their relationship with each of you.