I think I want to end my marriage, but don't know how to raise it with my husband of three years (together seven). We’re both 30, and have no kids.
We're kind and caring towards each other, support each other's hobbies, and spend time together.
What we don't do well is communicate inner thoughts and feelings, or have many deeper conversations. I'm feeling increasingly disconnected.
I don't think he knows who I am on a deep, emotional level (my fault for not sharing). I also probably don’t know who he is anymore.
I fantasize about living a life on my own, without saving for a house outside of the city (“our” goal that I don't want anymore, but would make him very happy).
I don't want to ask him to change his life goals. I don't want to make him unhappy by leaving him. But I don't want to continue growing ever distant emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. I can't wait for change to happen.
So start communicating and sharing, instead of fantasizing. You may still end up leaving him, but instead of running off without the effort he deserves, sit him down and open up!
He may have his own dreams of a life he could live on his own. OR, he’s not that devoted anymore to the image you have of his goals.
Maybe you can plan a grand adventure together, maybe not. But while there are no kids to be considered, it’s fair game to share your inner yearnings and see what happens. A lot fairer than just “distancing” further.
However, if you still haven’t the courage to start this conversation, suggest you’d both benefit from going to marital counselling together. That may open the floodgates to what you both feel is missing.
My wife and I are moving to another city in two months. We told very good friends about our move. We all discussed that this couple would visit us in our home once we’ve settled in. We looked forward to sightseeing, shopping and exploring together.
Recently, while at their home for lunch, they told us about a few days’ vacation they're taking next month with the wife’s sister and husband.
To our surprise, when we asked where they were going, they said they'd be going to the city we're moving to (their first visit)! We made no comment about that but we were both very surprised.
We’re very disappointed at the couple's plans as we thought the four of us were going to have an enjoyable time finding new places and things together. We're later bound to find they've "been there, done that" in a number of cases.
We're wondering if we should say anything about our disappointment. We're very fond of them and our relationship is very good so we don't want to spoil that.
Say nothing about your disappointment. They may be close to you, but the wife is likely at least as close to her sister, and the idea of their trip together was compelling, especially when they know they can affordably visit that city again by staying with you.
You two have the joy of discovery whenever you’re free, so there’s no way they’ll have covered all the places you want to explore.
They must’ve been a bit embarrassed which is why they only named the destination when asked, but they did raise the topic. It shows they’re sensitive to your feelings in general, and still caring friends. There’s no hurt intended.
FEEDBACK Regarding the live-in boyfriend who’d been on gambling websites (May 4):
Reader #1 – “She should head for the hills.
He lied about quitting. That’s the sure sign of an addict. If he lied once about gambling, he will lie again. She shouldn’t have to live the next years in fear, until his gambling comes around again. She should, at the very least, keep separate financials (bills, accounts, etc.), even as far as home ownership, for however long this relationship lasts.
“I have some experience with addiction (not mine).”
Reader #2 – “One man canceled his credit card, because of his wife’s gambling debts. She phoned the credit card company from the gambling establishment and conned someone into thinking the cancellation was a mistake.
“The card was reactivated, the wife charged up thousands in new gambling debt, and the only thing the man could do to stop being responsible for her debts was to divorce her.”
Tip of the day:
Fantasy isn’t a fair way out of a marriage. A partner deserves honesty and communication.