I'm divorced, with complete custody of my daughter since age one. She's now 14. My ex-husband doesn't pay any child support or keep any contact with my daughter or me.

I'm seeing a divorced man who doesn't have custody of his son, 11. He pays child support and has visiting rights.

I'm skeptical about our relationship, if living together with my daughter, and his son visiting us. My biggest challenge is if his son, while visiting, tells something against my daughter or me to his father - how will he react?

Similarly, if my daughter tells me something against my boyfriend or his son, how should I react? Sometimes children tell the truth but sometimes they make up stories.

Unsure

You're wise to consider practical aspects of living together, ahead. But instead of being skeptical, discuss these concerns with your boyfriend, and attend some couples' counseling sessions together to learn how to avoid and react to future problems.

An experienced therapist will also help each of you discuss and handle the adjustment period with your own children, and how to also try to meld a "family" scene for when you're all together. Some anxieties and perceived slights are natural in the early stages and you both need to learn how to separate these from the truly worrisome signals, if any. There are also many self-help books about situations just like yours, which can help you.

I'm 60, have been treated for clinical depression several times during my later years, yet not missed work as I use stress reduction and exercise daily. I have supportive friends, am successful with a good job.

However, my sister, 70, treats me more like her child. We don't have a history of fighting or long silences. Since she retired, her "older sister" attitude and behaviour have worsened.
Recently, during a visit at her home in a retirement community, I abruptly left, stating that I was so angry about her making daily decisions for me, including frequent interaction with her friend who openly insults me.

Before I left she said she's old and told me to take care of myself and that, since our parents and brother died in recent years, "we only have each other."

I agreed but explained that I was just too angry with her to stay.

I've apologized twice in writing, about upsetting her. I've suggested we create some ground rules to improve our relationship, but she's acting like it's officially over. She refuses to communicate with me in any manner.

I've made it clear I won't bother her, and I miss her and am open to hearing from her. I love my sister.
Is there anything else I should be doing to repair the damage- e.g. involving a mutual friend as mediator to see if there's a way to repair things?

But I think my sister wants this to be a secret. I never before had the confidence to confront our relationship, because I feared I'd actually lose my sister who likes to do what she likes to do. I'm also seeing a counsellor about this.

Devastated

Since your well-being depends on some stress reduction, weigh with your counselor which factor is harder to handle - your sister's controlling behaviour with you, or her passive aggression through silence.

Meanwhile, your apology, and respectful approach are out there. If she refuses to respond, it's another form of control. Stay close to your supportive friends, and see if your sister mellows over some time.

FEEDBACK Regarding the family who send out-of-town nieces and nephews Christmas and birthday gifts (Jan. 20):

Reader - "For six years, we've similarly sent overseas, to my husband's niece (now in her teens), fairly expensive gifts and cheques.

"Sometimes, her parents asked for specific items. However, they don't reciprocate. I get upset that we don't receive a thank you, or birthday wishes, and that they're obviously making no effort to be part of our son's life.

"My husband won't discuss it and carries on sending gifts and keeping in touch. I feel there are issues between my husband and his brother playing out here. The family who wrote you should find a way to resolve this, or it will fester for years."

Send the niece a photo of your son, with his age, and some details, and say he'd like to hear from her. Hopefully, the next generation can connect past those "issues."