Do wives wonder why their husbands cheat? Read on! Three close friends and myself are devoted, hard working, husbands whose wives have turned sex into an unpleasant ordeal.
Three are married 25-plus years, the fourth, two years. Sex has become a rarity, yet, the wives complain about lack of attention.
My wife complains that we don't make love as often as she'd like, but for ten years, it’s always up to me to initiate.
And, it's never the right time. I once said it was a two-way street, and waited for her to get the ball rolling. Three months passed, so I caved, but in the end came the usual complaint that we don't engage often enough. Oh, let's not try a little variety either... I gave up on that years ago.
My best buddy is worse off, nothing he says or does is right. We both think she's having an affair, but he's not willing to confront her.
None of us have cheated; it's highly unlikely we ever will. It's been tempting, as three married women were ready to jump in the sack with me, including one friend's wife. Being the good husband and father, I abstained, but it wasn't easy.
Okay, everyone gets one rant. I’m sure many wives (perhaps yours, too) will send rants on their side of the sexual dissatisfaction story.
Now, something positive - ways to improve things at home and give less cause or time to sit around and moan with the guys.
1) Warm up the atmosphere - plan together for romantic dates, take a carefree vacation (without the gang), buy bedroom treats like new lingerie for her and yes, new underwear for you. Share bedtime reading material like Dr. Alex Comfort’s revised The Joy of Sex.
2) Consider taking a “refresher course” in marriage together, by talking to a counselor about ways to ramp up fun, interest, and adventure after 25 years. And how to communicate needs without blaming.
My husband of 18 months has been texting a girl from high school whom he’d once wanted to date. He insists its just friendship.
He texts her all day, every day, and later, before I get home from work. He never texts her when I'm around. When we're together, it seems like it's a chore for us to have a conversation about anything except whatever involves our house, our car, or our children.
Yet he can find all these topics to discuss with her.
Am I out of line in asking him to slow down the conversations with her? It seems like he's having a physical relationship with me but an emotional one with her.
Don’t make this a power struggle between his right to “text a friend” and your demands. Instead, look at what’s behind the behaviour: You two have settled into a partnership of responsibilities only – car, kids, and chores. Necessary some of the time, but not engaging for emotional connection.
Try getting out for a walk, to a movie (it’s worth it to get a babysitter), starting a book and telling him about it. Ask about his day beyond cursory interest, and share the more interesting parts of yours, not just details of duties and debts, etc.
All this should give him less time to text. However, if nothing changes, you need to confront him - not about his free-speech rights, but about his neglecting your relationship by having an emotional affair with this “friend.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the writer who feels he/she has no real friends, nor anything meaningful in life (April 14):
Reader – “Your advice was good (to call a local Distress Centre, especially if feeling suicidal again) and for referral to therapy).
“Also, the Mental Health Unit of a local hospital can direct “Distraught” in the right path.
“My heart aches for him/her, having myself endured many similar problems within our family. Don't give up looking for help.
“Tell your reader, keep digging for help... it’s out there; you only have to find it.
Ellie – “To all those who sometimes feel hopeless, I repeat some of what I wrote then:
“Reaching out (… whether to a teacher, therapist, advice-giver) is a sign of your will to live, and of the hope that lies within you for a better future. Those are positives for you to build on, and you can do it, with some help.”
Tip of the day:
It’s easier to gripe than work at refreshing a marriage, but it’s far less satisfying in bed.