I’m a 36-year-old East Indian male; two months ago a Caucasian colleague, 28, began showing interest in me.
We exchanged emails throughout the day and shared a lot of our lives. Off work, we were constantly texting. She says she loves me, and I feel the same. However, whenever I asked her for a date she always had an excuse.
Eventually, she confessed she doesn’t know how her family and friends will react to us dating, and she doesn’t know what she wants. She once mentioned she wanted to settle down soon and have children with me. But I discovered she’s dating people from her background.
I’m confused by all these mixed signals. At work, she’s so much into me. But, for dating, my background’s a big deal for her.
Am I wasting my time hoping for something that might never happen?
Yes, you’re wasting your time, IF you’re hoping she’ll suddenly become fully committed to you.
She’s conflicted, and not handling it well, or even kindly. She is the one who doesn’t know if she can handle a mixed-culture relationship, and she needs to think this through. Do not push for this – the last thing you want is to have to convince someone to love you.
Instead, tell her you recognize her confusion, and want to back off the intense connection at work. Say you’re interested in an open, honest situation between you, not one that’s got limits and discomforts. Tell her you’re proud of your heritage, just as you’d expect her to be of hers. If you’re to get together in the future, it must be with mutual pride and respect, not awkwardness and doubts.
I’ve repeatedly cheated on my wife though I love her and my kids.
What should I do?
Come clean, get professional therapy, and find out what drives you. Or you’ll have huge regrets when your reckless behaviour ultimately blows up in your face.
My daughter’s sixteenth birthday is approaching; we’re planning to have a party for her. However, she doesn’t want to invite “Jane” (not her name), whom we’ve known for many years.
We’re good friends with her family. They’re both on the swim team so they see each other all the time. Both have said hurtful things to each other, and I don’t know if their friendship will recover.
I don’t know what to say to Jane’s mother. We’re both very hurt by the loss of friendship.
How should I handle this with Jane and her family? I don’t want any more hurt feelings.
- Concerned Mom
The two girls have made it clear they’re not currently close – so the mothers should back off trying to control their friendships. Your guidance comes in helping your daughter see it’s not necessary to be hurtful when a relationship ends – if she and “Jane” aren’t friends now, that’s fine, but there’s no need for nasty comments or mean behaviour.
So, if the guest list is small and devoted to your daughter’s circle, then “Jane” would naturally not be invited.
However, if you’re throwing a huge bash for family friends, too, as well as classmates, etc., then she should be included. Both teenagers would be told that there are times when the feelings of many need to be considered beyond themselves.
If “Jane” agrees, her presence would be important to the family, wouldn’t imply the girls are buddies again, but would show a generous spirit in both.
My husband and I play cards with another couple six times a year. The man was my husband’s colleague, and he’s pleasant. His wife is a rude, nosy bigot.
Our children’s spouses are from different countries and different religions, and we’re happy with them. This woman always makes unkind remarks about people who are “different.”
I can no longer restrain myself from saying this is unacceptable, but my husband would rather ignore her for the sake of his friend.
Bigotry should NOT be ignored... you both owe it to your family to stand up against it. Your husband can put a stop to her rude chatter, by immediately saying, “We’re proud of our children’s choices, so naturally we don’t accept those attitudes.” Then, continue the game if possible.
But if the wife OR her husband react negatively, carrying on this friendship compromises your basic principles and family values. Game over.
Tip of the day:
Talking someone into a relationship, over their doubts, is a set-up for an unequal union.