My boyfriend of four years adamantly said he isn't going to marry me, or anyone. He's 17 years older than me, never been married, and has no children. Because I'm still mid-20s, getting married after I'm 30 is fine with me. I explained this to ease the pressure, but there's no change.

I've always known he felt that way but thought he'd change his mind.

One minute I'm considering taking a break, or breaking up, but the next minute, I'm planning our weekend together.

I don't want to resent him later, nor do I want to waste my youth. I love him dearly - he's funny, kind, generous. But he says marriage changes people. Does this sound like the beginning of the end?

Baffled

He's stated his position, which hasn't changed in four years. The only way to challenge it is to discover if he wants you more than he wants to lose you.

Ask yourself: Can you live with someone you love and who loves you, without needing and hoping for a wedding ceremony? What about children... will you be content to have/raise them while common-law, or are kids also a thumbs-down?

Choose your own future.

I have a problem with a coworker though I've never before had trouble getting along at work, in any job.

She's not my boss, but I must deal with her regularly, daily.... everything I do will flow through her. She finds fault in everything I do.

When I first started here she'd constantly make blind accusations that I wasn't following protocol. I had to document my every move to defend myself.

Her accusations are in e-mail form, copying my boss and his boss on everything. We're all overloaded - which means an increase in minor errors (e.g. spelling mistakes) by everyone, her included. But these prompt a strongly worded e-mail (copying the higher ups) explaining why this is bad, and "careless."

The person I replaced left because he couldn't deal with her anymore.

I've had meetings with my boss, the manager, and HR. Some have included her. I've had discussions with her, and done everything possible to smooth things over. I've asked interested questions about her life but get shut out. HR and management are sheepish when dealing with her.

I know she'll be retiring in a year or two, so I can just suck it up, but since I'd then want her job, I fear she's sabotaging my chances.

I've started looking elsewhere for employment, but I don't want to leave, the rest of the company is great!

Micromanaged

Reverse her own strategy. This isn't a life sentence, and there are still opportunities here to prove your mettle to the very bosses she keeps emailing. They and HR must be used to her and not taking these minor complaints seriously. But you CAN impress them by how you now respond.

Disarm her. Send emails back thanking her for her keen watch over every detail and say how much you, too, care about the company and getting things right (copy the bosses of course).

When you initiate anything new or accomplish anything that shows your capabilities for her job (without mentioning it), alert your bosses with email reports to them, before she gets a chance to find flaws and knock your efforts. Keep a private record of her petty complaints, but, unless something's more significant, stop revealing your difficulties with her. Instead, demonstrate your skills at working with colleagues, problematic or not.

FEEDBACK Regarding the parents whose daughter's boyfriend (mid-20s) slapped her butt hard enough for her to repeatedly say, "Ow!" (June2):

Reader - "Most people in her/my age group LIKE this. I love it when my boyfriend hits my butt so hard it hurts, and when I slap his hard.

"If this girl's saying "Ow, ow, ow, don't, STOP IT!" then yes, her mother should be concerned. But all the parents who read this and hear their adult children roughing it, are now concerned.

"I'm not saying my generation likes to be beaten up, but to me it sounds normal, it sounds like she likes it. And now her daughter and her boyfriend have to pretend to be different people in front of her parents."

Tastes change. But sometimes the boyfriend/girlfriend you choose doesn't change too. Trust me, your cohort won't always like being slapped hard. So be careful what you accept, and from whom.