My dad had an affair and left my mother for the mistress, they've now been married for 10 years. Although I resent my father's wife for getting involved with a married man, I've accepted her as she seems to make him happy and loves him.
However, my mother has not moved on. She's told me she would never forgive me if I became friendly with my dad's wife; she's said that it would be completely disloyal.
She expects me to only meet my father alone and have no relationship with his wife at all. I do not want to hurt my mom... so what do I do? Lie and pretend that I hate the woman?
If I spend time with both my dad and his wife, do I just not tell my mom about it so she doesn't get hurt and upset with me and call me a bad daughter?

Torn

You are NOT the keeper of your mother's anger. If she hasn't moved on in ten years, that's her choice. Though you needn't ever say this to her, you should realize that your father wasn't "stolen" away by this woman. Something was missing in the previous marriage at the time he met this woman, and he's as responsible for being with her as she is.

You've already accepted that she makes him happy and you want him in your life, so accept her too. It's part of your own maturing process to stop bearing your mother's bitterness.

Depending on your age and ability to act independently, you need not tell your mother of your plan, in some kind of pronouncement, which will surely upset her. But you'll have to casually (and soon) make her aware of your seeing this woman along with your dad, rather than have her find out as if you're deceiving her.

Just say, with conviction, that you love her, she'll always be your mom, but you can't keep seeing your dad without his wife, and you need to see him within his normal life, not in private, isolated meetings.

I've been in a common-law relationship for seven years, we both have children from previous relationships and we all live together. My parents respect him and his children. They talk with them.

But his family seems to think my children and I don't matter; I got that feeling long ago and my children feel that way too.

Years ago, he proposed. I thought we'd be married by now, he's said we'll get married one of these days, but then there's no conversation, no plans. Maybe he has no intention of doing so. I'd like to get married but feel this is all it'll ever be. Should I give up?

Second-Rate

Where's your voice, and your backbone? Speak up to this man and insist that he tell his parents that they must acknowledge your equal status and that of your children in your joint household. If he does nothing about it, forget the proposal, he's become too comfortable the way things are.

But you are NOT. However, you've allowed this no-plans situation to go on too long. So, if he gets it that his parents are disrespectful (and unkind to your children!) use your voice to start planning a wedding date. Here again, if he dithers again, decide what you want for yourself and the kids. Are you going to accept his non-committal attitude for another seven years?

FEEDBACK Regarding the husband who doesn't do romantic things (March 10):

Reader - "I, too, felt neglected when my husband didn't give me surprises and great gifts. I used to buy him surprises, but stopped.

"For special occasions, I found what I wanted, bought it on his credit card, told him to wrap it, and he was fine with that.

"He still never says I'm pretty, or notices what I wear. BUT: He brings home his paycheck, keeps us financially secure, is sober, doesn't yell, is faithful, and takes care of all the "guy" chores. Romantic? No! But dependable, kind-hearted, and a very nice man.

"He plans great trips, takes me out, and lets me do what I want regarding work, school, and hobbies. So, I get a lot more than I ever thought I would out of our marriage. If you can accept what you have, you can be very happy."