My husband of 20 years made some bad investments and we lost everything - forced to sell our home and move into rented accommodation.
Four years ago he started doing business and investing in another country so that we can move and raise our children there.
Initially, while pregnant with our last child, I saw messages in his email account from other women.
He swore that he wasn’t cheating on me.
A year ago, when he returned from his business trip, I found a woman’s note in his wallet.
He claimed not knowing where it came from.
I begged for the truth, cried, and he still claimed innocence.
Then, I discovered his other email account and learned that he was having an affair with two different women who each have a child with him.
He's admitted it now, apologized, and asked for forgiveness.
He said that the reason why he cheated was because he thought that I didn't love him anymore. Yet he was intimate with them and me at the same time. Please advise.
You need very clear information about your husband’s responsibilities to these two women and their children.
Get a lawyer or family court clinic to investigate, because anything your husband tells you can’t be trusted.
He’s already twisted the cause of his massive infidelity to be your fault… the hallmark of a snake (as in, you got bitten because you were in his way).
He’s played fast and loose with your mental and physical well being (get checked for sexually transmitted infections). Avoid intimacy, he’s using you.
He’s also put at risk the emotional and financial security of you and your children.
I’m separated and have a daughter, 20, and a son, 21. He’s long been a violent, angry, drug-user; his sister was his punching bag. They now live separately.
A year ago she revealed that he sexually abused her for several years when they were both minors. I had no idea.
He completely denied it.
She insists it's true and is very pained that I’d suspect her of lying.
She’s also suffering from a mental health disorder (getting treatment), and I'm sure he has a mental disorder too.
Given his lifetime of rage, anti-social behaviour, and pathological lying, she’s more believable.
But she’s so traumatized by her upbringing that I don’t know what to think, do, or say until I understand the real truth.
I’m so haunted and overwhelmed that I’ve contemplated suicide.
I need to know how to think about this, deal with it, and maybe find some way to live with it.
I have a therapist but I need your practical, succinct wisdom.
Deal first with your suicidal thoughts - through your therapist and/or contact with a suicide prevention helpline and local crisis-based support group.
You seem to believe your daughter, so tell her so. She needs to hear it.
Whether she presses charges is something she should decide with whomever is treating her - along with her getting legal advice - as to whether she could mentally and emotionally handle whatever’s involved.
Then, back off other than to be there when she needs you.
Your son also needs treatment, no matter the outcome of this accusation. It’s even possible that events around it could lead to his getting help.
You cannot resolve the situation on your own, and are not responsible for how it turns out. Your therapist should help you accept that reality.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman, 70, whose husband, 80, wants her to leave work to visit his family with him in Europe for a month (March 11):
Reader – “Maybe the lady doesn’t want to spend all that time with her husband, and her part-time job’s a good excuse.
“Many people who are married for a long time have difficulty when forced to live in continual close proximity.
“Many lose the physical desire to be with their mate when they get older.
“My wife travelled for work for two decades before retiring and things transitioned very smoothly, but we’ve always had an unusual marriage.
“When I did repairs for people I saw many sad, retired couples - sad because they couldn’t stand each other any more.”
Ellie – The writer said she wanted to preserve her job and outside interests. If it’s the length of time that makes her anxious, she could plan to return after two weeks.
Tip of the day:
A spouse who cheats repeatedly without conscience, lies, blames, and puts the family at risk, cannot be trusted ever again.