I’m 42, married with two young teenage daughters, and have fallen in love with another man I’ve known for eight months.
1) Do I stay with my husband, who’s kind and devoted but about whom I’ve always felt it wasn’t the right choice? And do it because of our children, and because it’ll devastate him and also make both our lives financially much more difficult?
Hurting him will hurt me too; he’s a part of me.
OR 2) Do I separate for a man who enhances every part of my life?
How do I choose?
I don’t want to go to counselling.
I’ve been with my husband since age 15 so we both know each other thoroughly. And what’s fair to this new man in my life who’s never married? Should he wait around for months, or years?
Background: I’ve been cheating on an off for five years, with others, more casually. My husband forgave me, I went on mild anti-depressants as he suggested.
Recently, I confessed there was someone else. He doesn’t want me to leave.
- Need Advice
Though you think you know everything you need to know about your husband, it’s obvious you don’t know yourself.
You’ve been risking a break-up for years, just for casual flings.
You resist counselling, yet – if you don’t want to wake up one day with huge regrets for whatever choice you make - you’re in critical need of individual therapy.
Only a professional therapist can help you gain insight to what’s driven you, and what you’re really seeking. After all, if it’s attention you crave, you’ll likely cheat on this next guy too, unless you change.
The choice you need to make is not about these two men, but about who you really are.
Meanwhile, your teenagers are picking up all kinds of signals from you, from your indecision, your flirtations, your attitudes towards their Dad.
Get to counselling right away.
I’m having a hard time accepting the existence of some tastefully done, but nude photos of my girlfriend of several years. These were done 10 years ago, for her then-boyfriend but now ex-husband.
When they separated, he wanted to take the pictures with him, which I believe she allowed, although she denies it.
Since they weren’t done for me, they make me jealous and the thought of the photos being enjoyed by her ex-husband drives me crazy.
We have a great relationship otherwise.
Should I just forget about them; is this a normal response or am I being unreasonable?
I wish she’d retrieve them and keep them locked up.
We’re in our late-20s and she was just 18 when they were done.
Ask for what you wish… tell her how bothered you feel and what you want her to do.
Since you don’t fully believe her story, I suspect it’s your own insecurity that’s causing this jealous reaction to something that had nothing to do with you at the time.
HER reaction to your request may spark the conversation you two need to have: How committed is she to you, does she care that you feel so upset about the photos, will she even try to get them back? Those are the answers you need, to put this behind you.
In fact, she may not be able to retrieve the pictures, but if she can reassure you of your place in her life and that she tried to get them to comfort you, you’ll feel better.
My husband of seven months has made me feel insecure since we married. I caught him filling liquor bottles with water so I wouldn’t think he drank.
While dating, he sometimes drank heavily, treated me very badly, and frightened me for my well-being.
He also left the computer on and there were new female contacts who I knew nothing about.
He’s been masturbating and visiting pornographic websites. Our intimacy has gone into the dumpers.
Your husband is avoiding his marriage and turning to everything else – no excuses can cover this up; his actions say it all.
Either you both go to marriage counselling together right away, or you’d best see a lawyer to discuss your legal rights and procedure regarding a separation, in case nothing changes for the better.
He may himself be insecure and need personal counselling too, but be prepared for denials and refusals.
Tip of the day:
Repeated cheating is a risky way of filling needs, especially when you don’t know what you’re seeking.