I've just discovered that my husband has had multiple indiscretions for our entire seven-year relationship.
I learned about the last one while snooping through his email. I've never really trusted him, but it's always been a gut feeling.
He claims all the incidents were just kissing (five different women that I know about), and has an excuse for each. He's very upset about my snooping and says the cheating was no big deal.
I've just recovered from a major depression after a job loss four years ago, and am scared to take any next steps with this. I'm certain there's more to this cheating thing but he insists there isn't.
We've done couples' counseling. He's such a successful charmer that he's able to convince even the therapist that all is well, though we never dealt with the cheating since this is new information.
The therapy was mainly due to his lack of sexual interest in me.
Hurt and Betrayed
There've been hard times during this relationship, and you've both let them create distance... your lack of distrust, his lack of desire, his indiscretions, your snooping.
Counselling cannot help a couple who persist in these behaviours. You both need to be honest with yourselves, first, and then each other - do you really want to stay in this marriage? WHY?
Once you have the answers from each of you, you'll know whether it's worth trying to work on HOW. That's when counseling should be resumed.
I met this man and we spent a lot of time together, which we both enjoy. We eventually had sex twice; it was great. But he said an old friend called who wanted to rekindle their relationship.
Meanwhile, he bought a house, and suggested I rent from him. Then he said that SHE'd be helping him move. She even stayed a couple of nights.
Once, she threatened that if I touched her man, she'd kill me, so the next time she was at the house, and said, "Hi!" I said, "I don't talk to people who threaten me."
I told him that if she was going to be here, he should put her to WORK. He did. If I do things around the house, like cut grass, etc., he takes me to town, and we have supper together. We don't have anything more than a special friendship, but I'm confused, as he brings her here too, but also talks to two or three other women with whom he's had a relationship.
People say I'm a fool, but I need a place to live, we get along great, even better than if we were in a relationship.
He also told her that I had said that I wished we were in a relationship, but was okay with not being in one.
Is he just someone who wants ALL women, even though he says he's with one? What does he want me here for other than.....?
I NEED HELP!!
When a situation is downright WEIRD, it's not everyone else who's got it wrong. This man is hoodwinking you both, and probably others, too. He has her for sex, you for sometimes-sex, both to do housework, income from you, varied companionship between the two of you.... etc.
Meanwhile, you've accepted second-class status, confusion, and a rental where you have to "work" to stay, and also be demeaned.
Pick up your self-respect and your belongings, and move. Independence and the chance for equal relationships with people are worth the price.
FEEDBACK Regarding people who write about past child abuse and considering going to the authorities about it:
Reader - "I did finally go to the police in the proper jurisdiction, and an investigation was conducted. I had to give a video statement and because I had the scars on my body to prove the physical abuse, it was not that difficult. I never saw him.
"The "monster" is now too old and infirm to do much of anything. But I did the right thing and he's now under constant surveillance by police here. He will never hurt another child again.
"I'm not afraid he'll come after me with one of his rifles the way he did before. I can sleep at night. (He has no conscience and the police established that much immediately.)
"I hope this puts some of those considering such an action on the right path."
Tip of the day:
When there's a cycle of distancing and distrust, re-examine why you're together.