I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight years, we have a child together, aged five.
Our relationship has always been really good, we love each other, but our sex life has always been poor, almost non-existent. I feel like we’re best friends/roommates.
We started dating when I was a teen; he's only a couple of years older than me. He’s never been on the passionate side.
I started a new job and my co-worker and I have extreme lust for one another.
I may end up doing something about it. I don't have feelings for him, only insanely strong sexual feelings where I can't get him out of my head and he feels the same way.
So, I must already be cheating emotionally.
Sometimes I feel I’m just settling with the first guy I’d ever loved, plus he’s the father of our child.
Get a grip; you’re not confused; you’re in lust, just as you say.
This is about sex, period. Yearning for it doesn’t equal cheating, nor justify going ahead. You’re vulnerable, and this guy’s got antennae for it.
The risk isn’t from feeling lust for someone you don’t care about, but what acting on it will do to people you love, and to your child’s environment.
Wanting passion is normal. But turning several lives upside down, including your own, isn’t the best answer.
When the fling’s over with this new guy, even your workplace may become uncomfortable.
More important, if you plunge into an affair based on “insanely strong” urges, you haven’t learned much from getting into your current relationship so young.
Hold off. Make an effort with your boyfriend by using all this arousal to show him some passion. Make time for him, and spruce yourself up just as you would for this man who won’t worry if he wrecks your home life.
FEEDBACK Regarding the lonely, unhappy girl in Grade 5 who’s "physically grown like a girl in Grade 9" (Oct.10):
Reader – “By age eight, I was a foot taller than anyone (boys included) in my class. I also had breasts and started menstruating before my ninth birthday. I had the body of a 16-year-old while still a child emotionally and mentally.
“I felt like a freak, avoided sports, wore loose clothes, was teased, and received unwanted attention from men.
“I was adopted as a baby, so no one knows why I developed as I did. People back then didn't have a clue about very early sexual development.
“From childhood onwards, I suffered form panic attacks and anxiety. I was anorexic for decades. I lived in constant fear, which I kept hidden from everyone, including my parents.
“They handled it as best they could at the time, but my mother wasn’t emotionally stable herself.
“The result for me was anger, often rage, but never tears. I’d never let anyone see me as weak. I felt alone in the world and in later years found solace in alcohol and drugs.
“I’m now 57. As a recovering alcoholic and addict (now sober), attending AA meetings regularly helped me to better understand myself and deal with the past.
“I’m not suggesting that this girl is going to end up an alcoholic. Her mother seems understanding and concerned about her daughter's welfare. I’m glad she reached out for your good advice regarding help for her daughter.”
Ellie – Thanks for sharing your touching story. Fortunately today, there are medical specialists, treatments, and counselling experts who can help, plus this girl’s concerned and supportive mother.
For a long time, I’ve been bothered that ever since we got married, my husband likes to talk about me negatively, mostly to my mother.
Worse, my mom also seems to enjoy talking negatively about me with him.
When I confronted both of them, they stated that they are only telling the truths.
They both refuse to stop.
Next time they’re complaining, get connected with them and say you want to hear their “truths,” so you can correct whatever they find so negative.
They’ll likely refuse. If so, point out that they don’t really want you to “improve” because they prefer to badmouth you.
Warn them that it’s so hurtful, they’re pushing you away emotionally from both relationships.
However, if they do let you in on their “nasty chat,” be open-minded. In this case, they’re likely revealing more about their own needs from you. They’re feeling neglected. Find out why.
Tip of the day:
Cheating has consequences that can’t be easily “justified.”