I’m getting married, but my current sister-in-law doesn’t get along with the general population.  

My brother asked me to have her in my bridal party as a show of reaching out. It took her four months to accept; but she’s resentful because the wedding date was inconvenient for her.

She’s delayed getting a dress (and demanded a style change); she says she’ll get things done when she wants to, and I shouldn’t worry.

Basically, I don’t want her in my party, but by kicking her out, I risk damaging my relationship with my brother.

Is it worth speaking my mind?

- Feeling Vengeful

The stakes are clear: You WILL risk your relationship with your brother. He’s likely to not attend. 

This problem starts with attitude – yours as well as hers. You call her your “current” sister-in-law, indicating that you don’t fully accept her as family. Yes, she’s difficult. But she’s also reacting to your obvious vibes.

Nevertheless, she’s doing what she has to, albeit in her own time. She accepted the inconvenient date; she found a dress. Show her some trust that she will get things done, and include in her in some of your plans, even shopping together.

Assign a close friend to quietly do backup duties, if necessary, so the Big Day, can also be a peaceful family celebration.

Over nine years of marriage, my husband’s behaviour has increasingly irritated me, and embarrassed me before friends and family.  

Socially, he rapidly becomes excited and behaves like an attention-seeking child (he’s 50), interrupting people, making baffling remarks, going off on irrelevant tangents.

He’ll exaggerate or give inappropriate details; when others show discomfort, he taps his fingers manically, or shakes his leg uncontrollably. He also behaves this way at dinner in front of our children.

Yet, when we’re alone, he’s a capable man, with mature insights and judgment.

Whenever I’ve tried to discuss all this, he laughs it off. He’s said that he believes he’s been depressed for the last 11-plus years. Yet, he refuses to try medication or counselling.

I always feel I’m burdening him by asking him to help me with domestic chores. But he doesn’t recognize my feeling overwhelmed and overworked (we have four teenagers, with health and learning problems, including a son with ADHD).

Does my husband suffer from undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, or depression, or both?

How can I get the mature man I need and love to come to the forefront?

- Frustrated

This is about your husband’s mental health, but it’s also affecting your own, through frustration, worry and overwork. Forget the embarrassment, and focus on getting your husband to understand he needs a medical check-up to rule out such extreme possibilities as a brain tumour, and to investigate other possible factors. 

According to Dr. Thomas E. Brown at the Yale University School of Medicine in New Haven, Connecticut, ADHD (as one possibility) involves a developmental impairment of such things as impulse control. Adults with ADHD have problems with organization, prioritizing and starting tasks, resisting distraction, difficulties with motivation, managing stress and self-control, to name just some.

The Centre for ADHD/ADD Advocacy, Canada also notes that adult hyperactivity is characterized by nervous energy and talking excessively, blurting out rude or insulting remarks and interrupting others.

This information does not serve as a diagnosis, but there are enough reasons in your experience of this problem for his to investigate the source and seek treatment, for his own sake and for his family’s well being.

There’s “baby-mama-drama,” since my knucklehead boyfriend cheated and created a son with a woman who has all these idiotic rules about his access – spiteful, because he didn’t end up with her. She doesn’t want me around the baby. 

Her selfishishness, and anger are unacceptable. I feel that if I talk to her about exactly where she and I stand, tension and stress can be lifted.

- Fed Up

Expect drama overload if you stir up this mess. 

This baby is “knucklehead’s” responsibility; yours, is only the decision to stay with him, given his new financial obligations and the emotional involvements he faces. He’s the one who has to work out terms with this woman, and deal with her anger at him and herself for their “hit and run” affair.

Some things will change naturally over time, as the baby grows older, if the woman finds a partner, etc.