So I really like this dude, and I have for almost two years, but he's mixed race and I'm white.
I have a Southern American family who hate it when they see couples that aren't the same race.
They’ve said they’d disown me if I ever fell for someone who wasn't white. But I can't push away these feelings, no matter how hard I try.
I'm happy when I'm with him, but I don't feel like giving up my family.
Caught In Middle
Once bigotry forces you to make a decision, you’re never in the middle again. You’ve either gone to the side of the bigots, or stood with their target of discrimination and injustice.
Look to yourself – not about colour, but about what you can live with or without. “Liking” this man isn’t enough. You need to love, respect, and value him if you choose to be with him.
There’s an added choice. Even if you decide to not have this man as a life partner, there’s still the question of accepting or standing against your family’s beliefs.
These include a conviction that they’re better than people of other or mixed races, and that the doors of white people and the opportunities they enjoy should be closed to others.
It’s always up to you which side you’re on as an individual, no matter what your family tries to impose.
I’ve read books on how to survive after a break-up. I’ve talked to a therapist about my own sadness and lethargy since my “perfect romance” and once-happy marriage ended.
I’m sure there are online support groups too, but I’m not emotionally strong now and couldn’t handle fakes who go online as “supporters,” i.e. men looking for vulnerable women.
So, I’m hoping you’ll please ask your readers who’ve been through a soul-destroying break-up or divorce, to write you how they moved on.
I feel if I read real accounts about what worked for different women, and maybe men too, I’ll surely find something that I can try too.
Desperately Seeking Healing
Well, dear readers, let’s help her. I’ll publish your brief personal stories of how you managed to not only survive a break-up, but also how you found ways to thrive afterward.
All submissions are anonymous, with neither name, email address, nor locale printed.
Recently my boyfriend and I, both 50s, went away for a weekend. He asked his son, 22, who lives with him, to feed my cats just on the Saturday. We live up/down stairs from each other.
He fed my cats but I could tell that he’d also used the couch, washroom, and watched TV.
I asked my boyfriend to inquire. His son’s response was, "Yeah, is there a problem with that?" He said he was there alone but the "rings" on my coffee table show he had company.
I’m upset at his response and that my boyfriend sees nothing wrong. I’ll make different arrangements next time. Did he overstep the boundaries, or am I over re-acting?
Don’t expect the son to understand “boundaries,” if his father doesn’t. The young man felt he did you a favour, and could enjoy the place in return.
Your boyfriend may be embarrassed, or not want to make an issue of it. OR, more important, has his own issue with social manners.
Time to gently let him know your boundaries, especially if you ever plan to live together.
My husband of 28 years had an affair with a younger co-worker. I discovered them, and it’s been very painful for me. Both say it’s over, however they still work together.
I get upset daily, knowing they’re still interacting for work. I want one of them to be transferred but it cannot be done. What do I do?
It’s a question of how much you are now able to trust your husband. If, on being discovered, he was sincerely apologetic for hurting you (not just being caught), and fearful of losing the marriage, then you and he can discuss how he’s avoiding any but professional contact with her.
However, if you’re doubtful about his sincerity, it’s your move. You can give him six months to prove himself, or insist he leave, and take the financial risks of finding another job. Or, you can file for divorce, and division of assets. That’ll clarify how serious you are.
Tip of the day:
Bigotry forces a decision from each of us, even if it’s within your own family.