I got a job with a friend who was in a two-month relationship with the manager. Right away, they fought and the manager and I started talking more. She got a new job.
As soon as they broke up, we hung out and had sex. I felt terrible because she was still a friend.
So I told him I couldn’t yet be in a relationship with him. But it's not just her that's holding me back.
I blame it on my dad leaving me when I was young. Also I'm only turning 18.
As well, my mom and my brothers would be disappointed and wouldn't accept it, because he’s 24, and also my manager.
None of that matters to me. But I can't leave my family because I still have a year of high school left.
Now, after a few weeks of our private relationship, he has a new girlfriend. But we still hangout and have sex.
Then his girlfriend and her whole family came in, and they were all over each other.
He then offered to break up with her if I’d start dating him.
I need advice on my family and getting them to accept us, on his girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend who’s my friend, and getting over whatever’s holding me back.
Young and Confused
You mostly need advice on how to value and protect yourself.
This guy isn’t the right partner for you, period. Your inner sense knows that what your family would say is true – he’s too much older and experienced, and he’s your boss, meaning he has more influence on you than you have confidence to make wise decisions.
A “private” relationship was his way to make this intense and have sex with you. His involvement with the new girlfriend shows he’s a player, but still trying to manipulate you into a relationship.
You won’t be his only sex partner, which is unsafe for you (STI’s) as well as demeaning.
Talk to your mom about your fears of a relationship and she’ll either understand, or you may want to talk to a counselor through your school.
My partner of 12 years and I get along great now, but we’ve had a violent and abusive history, and alcoholism on his part. I also take some responsibility for my own part.
Recently, we’ve both undergone huge changes - new city, new careers, a much less tumultuous relationship.
I’m now lustful of other men - coworkers or acquaintances and also fantasies of complete strangers.
I still love my partner deeply. We have a very fulfilling and active sex life, but I feel we’re more like friends, that I have sex with him for fun and to fulfill sexual desires.
I feel like he isn't "the one." Is this what it feels like when you start to realize that it's over?
You’ve outlived the dynamics of the past and may’ve outgrown your current bond. The abuse and alcoholism likely kept you together as co-dependents, till you morphed into friends and comfort partners.
But you’re feeling emotionally ready for more passion, both sexually and in your commitment.
However, do NOT think this will happen easily with someone just because he’s lighting your lustful fires. Or else, you may rush into a relationship with just as many issues.
Separate before you indulge yourself with someone you don’t know well. If you both have doubts about separating, talk to a therapist together.
FEEDBACK Regarding the wife’s jealousy about her husband’s attractive car-pool mate (June 23):
Reader – “This is how work affairs start. You may as well suggest the wife bury her head in the sand and encourage this work "friendship."
“When a spouse does something behind his partner's back, he’s knows it’s wrong and damaging to his marriage.
“Stop it before it leads to a full-blown affair with his deserting his family to spend time with her.
“I've been through this and it’s the most painful experience. It can break up a marriage and a family.”
Ellie – I’m sorry for your own past experience. The husband didn’t hide the car-pool woman’s friendship and did stop her weekend texts.
The wife described herself as being insecure and jealous.
Talking to a counselor is a self-affirming way for her to deal with this, and if, he ever cheats, for the strength to deal with it from confidence in herself.
Tip of the day:
When a relationship has to be secret, and you’re also unsure, you’re with the wrong person.