I’ve heard my husband use words like “hot,” “sexy,” and “babe” when he sees a pretty female. Some of these girls have been younger than our daughters. This happens when he thinks I can't hear him or he thinks I’m not around.

We’ve been married for 30 years. I understand that men, married or not, will look at women they find attractive. What I don't like is when my husband takes a second look when he’s with me and thinks I’m unaware, or not hearing the comments he makes.

He says that none of these actions have to do with his love for me. I feel disrespected. My husband says all men do it and to get over it. Is he right?

Not Just Looking

A long-married partner can be Right and Wrong at the same time. Yes, men look at pretty young females just as women notice attractive males, even much younger ones. It’s generally harmless, just appreciation of beauty and/or style… especially when there’s been 30 years together, if the basic relationship is good.

What’s wrong is not “getting” how the other person feels. Since you’ve been clear that it offends you, he should be hearing signals… perhaps even some personal insecurity, or feelings about aging, or missing when he looked at you that way.

More important, he should understand the comparison to your own daughters and young women’s vulnerability. It makes you uneasy about how young women are leered at, what that can lead to, etc. It’s a sensitivity he, as a father, should feel too.

Despite his age or generational attitudes, he needs to be “educated” by you and his daughters about the risks to women even in civil society, based on some men’s attitudes about how they dress, where they’re walking, etc. Explain that you will NOT get over any sexualized commentary.

On your husband’s visual appreciation alone, cut him some slack. But talk to him about his verbal reaction, and why it hurts/upsets you.

If nothing else works, show him a buff young male on the cover of a fitness magazine and comment on his sexy six-pack.

My fiancé cheated on his ex, with me. I thought we’d just happened to fall in love because we worked together, and that she’d changed, gotten fat, was a nag, all just like he said.

However, his sister-in-law has let it slip that he’d also cheated before, on his first wife (which he never told me) and she hinted he’d been quite the player in his single days.

I got worried, snooped and caught him recently, through his emails. He’s been having an affair for two months already.

He cried, said it was a terrible mistake, he was drunk, he wants me to forgive him. He insists I’m his true love. Is it possible for a repeat cheater to reform?

Last to Know

Possibly possible, but probably not. And definitely not if you just stay together, and get married, with no consequences to his cheating.

Walk away. If he wants to reform, he’ll have to admit to you that he’s a serial cheater. He must see a therapist to figure out why, then apologize and explain it to you without tears, just truth.

He also must agree to a trial period if you ever re-connect, with limits e.g. not contacting old flames, shared open email accounts, etc.

NOTE: your separation should be for a year. IF he can last that long without cheating, you may have a chance….

FEEDBACK Regarding the rift because the younger brother had drunken high school sex with a woman whom his older brother later married. (March 13):
Reader – “The younger brother’s only crime was drunken high school sex… a common activity for many high school students these days, it seems (I’m 63). The girl shared equally in the behavior.
“Once he discovered his older brother’s serious relationship, he had to come clean. It would’ve been worse if discovered later. Yes, referring to the girl as a "slut" was a mistake.
“In my mind, fault lies with the older brother, who continues to hold a grudge. He needs to learn to forgive (and move into the present). Of course it's possible that his wife, who also refuses to face her own past, directs his actions. Also, it’s likely that the brothers weren’t well connected long before.”

Ellie - For family harmony, forgiveness is often needed on both sides, no matter the logic.