We went on a week’s vacation with a couple my husband grew up with and I've known for years.
They’re smokers. I’m a non-smoker. My husband quit smoking 10 years ago.
We were barely at the resort when he asked them for a cigarette. I was shocked, given how addictive nicotine is.
I calmly voiced my feelings in front of the other couple. He said it was a vacation thing, just for the week away.
He kept smoking – considerately - along with the other couple on their patio, adjacent to ours.
He spent more time alone with them than with me.
I joined them all at the beach for the entire morning but stayed in the pool’s shaded area after lunch. They said they'd join me but only came back in the late afternoons.
I privately told my husband that I wanted to spend time with him too, but he said he preferred the beach.
When we returned home he did not continue smoking. I have an acute sense of smell so I’d know. This was a relief.
I told him I’d never go on a vacation with them again. I can handle that we socialize with them a couple of times a year.
But how do I get over my animosity towards them?
It’s not the friends who’ve upset your sense of comfort and trust. You’d proudly believed that your husband’s 10 years of not smoking was an aspect of your life together.
Then, he made you feel he’d gone over to the “other side.”
But it was his choice.
However, something about their long friendship triggered a response in him. Smoking, the beach, freedom, maybe all were associated with their youthful past.
Yet, he had/has the control to stop again.
Ease up on him and stop seeing these people as the enemy. Maybe they’re not the best vacation partners in that regard, but don’t be too bossy and excluding about it. He knows what happened as well as you do.
How do I deal with a needy houseguest without hurting the friendship? I’m a home-based marketer and must use my phone and computer all day. My cousin’s staying with various relatives and friends for a week at a time, having left a difficult relationship.
She talks while I’m working, even though I say we’ll chat over dinner or when we take a walk during my breaks.
She constantly wants to play music (distracting for me and unprofessional in the background of my phone pitches). Or she’ll use my cell phone to save money on hers!
She keeps going over the same details about her problems no matter how many times we discuss it.
I’m close to blowing up, with days to go!
Remember the old line about houseguests: After three days they smell like fish.
A bit harsh, but the point is that short visits go easier; longer ones often bring out undesired traits affecting your home life.
Since it’s also your workplace, it was up to you to protect it more carefully in advance, e.g. reminding her that you’d be on the phone a lot, and need quiet.
And that she should plan on time going out on her own while you work.
Blowing up would be unfair and destructive to the relationship as a relative and friend. She’s vulnerable, and won’t handle it well.
Try to organize her time away, and just get through the remaining days. Next time you’ll know better.
I’ve experienced ED (erectile dysfunction). I can’t have sex with my wife, so I turn away in bed. She’s asked me to hug and kiss her, but I feel she’ll expect it to lead to intercourse, and I’ll disappoint her and we’ll both feel frustrated.
It started two years ago, at 65. She’s younger than me but she had already said that sex was getting painful due to dryness. We saw her doctor, she got hormone boosts, used creams, but when I got ED I felt it was hopeless.
I don’t know how else to handle this.
It’s simple: Talk to her. She’s your partner. By turning away, you hurt her; she thinks you don’t love her, or that she’s failed you because of the dryness.
You’re both drawing apart. But by helping her understand what’s happened to you, you’ll reinforce your bond. Even without sex, kissing, hugging, cuddling, and stroking express love.
Tip of the day:
Don’t blame someone’s lapses on others; adults choose more than they’re swayed.