I’ve been with a woman 20 years my senior for 13 years. I was in my late 20s then, and wanted a rewarding career and a family. She’d already had her kids; they’ve never accepted me and still barely treat me as a friend. 

She’s never been particularly supportive of my career, having issues with my long hours and weekend work.

I set aside my desire for a family. I gave her an engagement ring 10 years ago but she didn’t seem interested in marriage.

Nine months ago, my mother – always my best friend - passed away. I feel I’ll be completely alone with no one for support, when my partner passes too. Every decision I’ve made was based on what was best for her. I don't even know who I am anymore.

She’s now retired and has spent three months of the last two winters down south. But we spoke every evening.

Recently, I went out with work associates and, out of character, I drank heavily, so slept over at my associate’s house. When she couldn’t reach me, she left a message that our relationship was over; she was convinced that I was out having an affair. When she arrived back home, we talked for the first time since. She didn't understand my feelings and made accusations, completely untrue and unfounded, of infidelity.

I believe that the only way I can get my life back on the track that I originally wanted, is if we end our relationship.

- Need Advice

First, you need to mourn your mother’s passing as its own event in your life, without mixing it up with your relationship. 

This woman is not to blame for the decisions you made to be with her. (Note: there was no gun at your head telling you to give up on having kids; also, you did find your own career path, at some loss of companionship to her).

Frankly, you’re restless for change and feel different needs and desires from when you chose her as your partner. Take responsibility for those past decisions and your current change-of-heart.

If, after getting grief counselling, you still want to separate, discuss it, and suggest the possibility of joint therapy in order to break apart civilly. Own up to it, rather than discredit her ability to understand; she likely feared this change and is overreacting to your signals.

Try to avoid both of you sinking into a quagmire of more accusations and an explosive ending.

My husband is a good friend with a couple who swing. He’d like us to start swinging as well, but I’m very uncomfortable with this idea.  

I think this lifestyle would be very unhealthy both physically and emotionally.

We’re at an impasse. He says I’m too narrow-minded, and that exploring his sexuality is very important to him.

He says his friends have the strongest marriage because they allow each other to step out.

- Confused in Edmonton

“Swinging” implies a carefree and exuberant enjoyment of sex with several different partners through mutual consent. However, Horny Hubby is bullying you into being uncomfortable, possibly miserable, against your better instincts. 

You don’t describe these people as YOUR friends, just his. And your marriage is swinging in the air itself, between whether you’ll do as he says or risk … what… his displeasure? Anger? Estrangement.

The future looks grim unless he gets it that his demand for sexual exploration will become a deal-breaker for a wife who isn’t interested.

Every weekend, my husband spends all evening and night drinking beer with a neighbour while I’m inside with the kids. I don’t want them seeing what Daddy does. 

He doesn’t think he’s an alcoholic. I think he is.

When there’s a family function and alcohol is served, I’d rather not go.

Every weekend we fight about this.

- What to Do?

He won’t change unless he recognizes 1) he IS a problem drinker; 2) he’s squandering the only regular opportunity he has for family time. 

For #1, go to an Al-Anon meeting yourself for support from others who live with alcoholics; and hand him information, without comment, about where to attend AA meetings.

For #2, take the kids out on the weekends and do fun things with them, for their sake, and to show that you’ll carry on without him as a family, as that’s what he’s chosen.