My boyfriend recently moved in with me; he’s selling his home and is between houses. He’s not lacking money, and could easily rent his own place meanwhile.

He pays 40% of my rent, so I feel badly pressuring him to leave. He offered this financial help before deciding to sell his place. Living together was never discussed; it was supposed to be for a few weeks only. But he's been overly picky and it's been two months.

I've never lived with a man before and it's driving me crazy! How can I gently suggest he move out?

Crowded

Proceed very gently. It won’t look good on you to take his money and not provide the obvious benefit when he needs it.

Two months isn’t long, neither for looking for a home, nor for accommodating a generous boyfriend.

Make some temporary space for his things. Suggest you both get out more – walks, casual restaurants, etc. – so you’re not bumping into each other at home. Give him time and encouragement to look at houses, so he keeps up the search. And add some patience.

Before my husband and I married a year ago, his mother and I argued. She said very unkind things and I made unpleasant comments.

I was cut-off completely, unless I’d apologize. My then-fiancé stood by me.

After six months of no invitations to any gatherings, including holidays, I decided to apologize. However, I felt strongly that my MIL owed me an apology. Instead, I was asked, high-handedly, how it’d be possible for us to have an ongoing relationship.

I suggested we do activities together rather than have long dinners at their house, which I thought produced a sense of entitlement in them and corresponding resentment when we weren’t available to do favours, or we were unwilling to listen to unsolicited advice.

Afterward, I said nothing to them, and was cold. I struggled to feel compassion for what appeared to be their clear issues: Using their son to give them a sense of family, rather than addressing their own marital problems and personal unhappiness.

Reluctantly, I attended their family holiday dinner. Using a therapist’s advice, I continually told myself throughout dinner to pity them.

Unfortunately, I did make some snide remarks. I was irritated by their lack of compassion for me. After pointed comments from my MIL, I lost my cool.

They’re again saying they don't think they can have a relationship with me. My husband isn’t invited to family events either. I fear my resentment will remain. I tell myself that some people find it difficult to apologize and that this is a sign of weakness.

Are we doomed to a bad or non-existent relationship with them?

Resentful

Sorry, but you are strongly contributing to any doom here. There’s the same “high-handedness” in your gratuitous assessment of their marriage. These parents and their son are a family, however flawed. The older couple is unlikely to change much. But you canstop reacting.

Just because they give advice doesn’t mean you have to take it. You can smile and say, “that’s interesting,” or “we’ll think about that” rather than build the resentment that makes you lash out with snide, insulting remarks.

Your husband stands up for you, and is even willing to miss family gatherings, so you’re the lucky one. They’re the losers, and they feel it. Cut them some slack.

Continue to see your therapist and try to develop that compassion which you only talk about.

My husband of eight years is 15 years older than me and focused 100% on his job. I know it’s important to him and his overall career. But what can I do to get his attention in other parts of life?

Not Number One

First, talk to him about your feelings. But also show interest in his work so you can converse about it. Then, introduce activities to de-stress from his workload – e.g. taking walks after dinner and weekends, joining a gym or sports activity together.

Say it’s for him to relax, as well as clear his mind to focus better at work. He needs to see you as his partner, not the person minding the home.

Since he likely earns enough from his constant work, hire a housecleaner periodically to ensure you’re free to do things with him whenever he’s available.

If nothing works, ask for his suggestions, and also consider counselling.