After I divorced, I dated a man intensely for several months but still took time before I was intimate with him. Still, shortly after we did have sex, he dumped me. I was devastated. Why do men do this?
I run into this guy in my social circle occasionally and cannot look at him, even though it’s years later and I’m happily married.
Why do I still feel so “used?”

- Bad Memory

There are “hit and run” artists among both sexes – sometimes, intimacy rings a bell in their heads to get going before they get too involved; sometimes, they’re relationship surfers who like the chase, not the connection. It’s avoidance, NOT rejection.
So recognize this: You don’t have to look at him, but you can look at yourself as lucky he ran.

I want to pursue my master’s degree, but my father considers my subject “impractical,” though it’s my lifelong dream career field.
I have the money for my education, but my father has said he’ll “disown” me if I go ahead. I don’t know if I’ll need him in the future, and I want him to be able to help me.
Recently, he said I could study whatever I want. However, I believe when I actually apply to grad school, he’ll still oppose it.
Your thoughts?

- Anonymous

You had me feeling all empathetic about the “disown” threat, but lost me when you admit you only want a relationship in order to get future help.
It seems you and your father operate on the old carrot and stick principle, instead of respect and support. But you CAN change the pattern, through different communication.
Explain the significance and opportunities in the field you wish to study: listen to his concerns; understand his perspective. This shouldn’t be a power struggle, but an exchange of views.
Consider compromise – e.g. you study what you want, but promise to also seek a “practical” route, through a part-time research job in your field or other means of preparing for employment after obtaining your master’s degree.

I asked my fiancée to talk to his parents about whether they’d be willing to make things better between us. They feel they’ve done nothing wrong (i.e. everything is our fault). He’s suggested it’s now up to them to make an effort (as we’ve tried).
Interestingly enough, they didn’t like their eldest son’s first wife and didn’t speak to him for almost five years. Since his divorce, they’re now willing to talk to him.
They won’t even call our house because I may pick up the phone when they call.

- Wit’s End

If his parents distance this easily from one son, it’s conceivable they’re too set in their attitudes to bend for the other one (your fiancé). Nevertheless, family harmony is a goal worth making one more big effort.
However, it has to come from you two - by forgetting about fault and thinking about the future. You’re still able to change your response to these people, so think about the risks if you don’t: Your partner may be permanently estranged from his family; your children won’t know their grandparents, your support network through times of need is narrowed from the start.
Decide a strategy together for dealing with his parents – e.g. share few details on personal matters, set reasonable limits on visits and phone calls, but be welcoming and gracious when together.
You’d benefit from seeing a professional counsellor together, to help form the best approach.

I recently started a housecleaning business; one potential client who contacted me, has a house so dirty I was shocked.
Whenever I sprayed cleaner, mud appeared because of so much dirt on counters. There were mousetraps everywhere, dead flies around the kitchen sink. The bathroom had a terrible odor.
I don’t want to clean there. I fear for my safety.
How do I tell this person politely that I don’t want to clean?

- Over-My-Head

Be clear but polite: “I’d like to help you but your house needs a cleaning overhaul which one person can’t manage.” Some large cleaning services provide a team of cleaners; you could research this for your area and provide a contact number, which would make you appear helpful (and may also be useful if you ever need to use this company as back-up, when one of your regular clients needs special cleanup after construction or renovation.