I’m a widow, 64, who joined a seniors’ dating site and found it demoralizing. My profile tells of many interests, love of travel, and am an independent, active woman.

It contains up-to-date photos and I’ve been pretty open-ended about the kind of person I’m looking for.

Yet I’ve never even gotten a date! Even men who send me “flirts” that I respond to, don't get back to me or respond with "thanks, but no thanks."

I’ve sent messages to a number of men that look interesting, and haven’t received an answer from any.

I keep wondering what’s wrong with me: Is my profile poorly written? Am I too old or just not attractive? This is damaging to my self-esteem. What’s your take?

Getting Nowhere

Since there are millions of people within the cyber world, behaving in ways we cannot easily determine, you need your own sense of self-worth strong and intact to put yourself out there.

Many successful online daters say they went through experiences just like yours, but eventually met someone worthwhile. Some said they went off the sites for awhile, till they could deal with the ups and downs of the “scene” again.

It isn’t for everyone. You may be much more comfortable trying the old-fashioned route of pursuing activities that interest you, being open to meeting new people at community events, church, volunteering, taking courses, etc.

My brother was trustee and executor for both my mother and father's estates and had unusual control over my mother's finances, decisions, and my dad's estate, while she was alive.
He wasn’t fair in dealing with me since my dad died, but he paid out what was owed legally. Ultimately, I was forced into a financial arrangement with him that was uncomfortable. I did what my ill mother and he asked, to keep peace.

He’s been verbally abusive to me ever since we were young adults. I was going through a divorce, and my father felt my status was lowered. I have no other relatives except for him, his wife, and children, and I was always kind and generous to my niece and nephew.

My tolerance of the ongoing abuse was to maintain some kind of family relationship. But I cut ties with my brother and his wife recently, after receiving the derogatory closing estate letter written by him.
Should I continue to send my niece and nephew birthday and Christmas gifts? I’d be giving their parents more to gossip, complain, and hate about. I was clear by email that I had enough of his behavior, and wanted no further contact with either. I live across the country from them.

I’d previously made many attempts to address the abuse, including offering to pay for counselling for my brother and me. I had counselling myself, several years back. We were children who’d witnessed domestic violence in our home. What are your thoughts?

Finished or Not?

No matter their parents’ reaction, you should still try to let the children know you care for them. Send them cards and gifts on special occasions, and email them from time to time if they’re online.

You were right to stop tolerating the abuse. By understanding that you both aschildren witnessed violent family relationships, you may in time feel some compassion for a brother who’s in denial and feels he can’t emotionally risk dealing with the past.

In time you may even forgive him. But meantime, you had to protect yourself.

Two years ago, I did what you said and "got out there,” and found someone. I’m now 68. We talk easily and make love joyously. It's the best sex I ever had, and he seems happy with it, too.
I now realize that he has two or three young girlfriends, one he's had for years. While they cannot share what we have as older lovers, I’m tired of this.

I want to break away but always go back. He's happy when I do, but it’s the same, again. How can I end it?

Heartbroken

Get angry, and get going again. Being played is demeaning. You have a lot to offer and shouldn’t be treated like one of a pack. He may be risking your health with STD’s, and he’s certainly chipping away at your self-respect. Good sex is great, but feeling good about yourself is even more important for emotional and even physical health.